Behind The Scenes: Ocarina of Time
by Maannga
Summary: There is some serious content in here. When I say rated T, I MEAN it. Anyway here, within one click of a button, you will be taken backstage to the true story of Zelda. Wonder why there are no voices? Now you will know.
1. Chapter 1

**Hello, fan fiction readers. Out of sheer boredom, I bring to you the true legend from behind the scenes. I'm not sure how good it really is, but honestly I don't care.**

**

* * *

**

_Finally, after what should have been days but took only a mere hour, Link makes his way to the gates of Hyrule. After risking his life, becoming engaged to a princess of a different species at the age of ten, and becoming mentally disturbed after facing the horrible monstrosities a kid his age should not face, Link has collected the three spiritual stones. The gates are closed during broad daylight, making it completely obvious that something is wrong. If Nintendo had tried to make the next scene unnoticeable, they failed quite spectacularly._

Link: Hey Navi, look! Why are the gates closed?

Navi: HEY! Link, it's obvious that something that is important to the storyline is about to happen.

Link: Whatever! What could possibly happen?

Navi: LISTEN! It's probably another cut scene, Link.

Link: Shut up, you good for nothing fairy. You never tell me anything useful when I need it!

_And so, Link and Navi walked up to the gate, where the sun suddenly set even though it was noon only seconds ago. As they stood there, the rain began to fall, and suddenly the gate flew open._

Link: Navi, look, it's Princess Zelda! It's looks like she is coming for us!

(Sticks out his thumb)

Navi: HEY! What are you doing?

Link: Getting a lift. I am not going to look for her all over Hyrule. It's so stupid! I might as well talk to her now.

(White horse zips by without stopping. Princess Zelda looks over her shoulder)

Zelda: Impa, it's that gullible cross-dressing boy again! I can't believe he came back after I sent him on that impossible mission. I really thought that Princess Ruto would stop him… What should I do?

Impa: Whatever you do, don't throw the Ocarina of Time.

Zelda: It's it ok for me to lie and say I didn't do it?

Impa: If you threw that valuable possession so help me, I'll make you dress as a boy for years until you get that instrument back.

Zelda: Yeah, right. I'm the princess, you are only a nanny. The day I do as you say will be the day Ganondorf takes over Hyrule.

(Back to Link)

Link: She left me!

(Suddenly showing up)

Ganondorf: What did you suspect, boy? Girls never wait for boys! If you don't keep them happy, they will leave with you with all your money.

(Turning around)

Link: Ganondorf! I bet you are trying to kill Zelda! So that's why they are leaving Hyrule.

Ganondorf: No, actually I have a crush on Impa, and she decided to hide from me with all my money.

Link: What? Why would you have a crush on Impa? She's the scariest person in the whole game!

Ganondorf: Have you seen her chest?

Link: Now that you mention it…

Ganondorf: She's too old for you. Give it a few years, and soon you will have a naked Zora to look at. Now, tell me which way the white horse went!

Link: Never! I have four cute girls who are madly in love me with, so I will defend all women of Hyrule. I mean, after all, who doesn't love a hero?

(pulling out tiny dagger)

Link: With my pathetic weapon that the Kokiris have the nerve to call a sword, I will attack you!

Ganondorf: Don't make me laugh, boy. You're wearing a dress! How could you possibly be able to show yourself in public? Besides, that tiny weapon of yours that shouldn't have been added to your inventory is nothing against my power!

(raising a hand, Ganondorf threw a light ball at Link. The light disappears before it hits Link, but it still manages to hurt him, throwing him backwards.)

Ganondorf: Out of my way, boy! I have no time for hero wannabes. Honestly, it's like walking through a convention or something.

(Ganondorf rides off. Link calls out: It's not a dress, it's a tunic; before passing out)

Ganondorf: For some reason, those clothes look dreadfully hot.

(Back to Link)

Navi: WATCH OUT! Ganondorf appeared, Link! He's dangerous, he could hurt you!

_Link enters the Temple of Light. For some reason, everyone in town has failed to notice that there was a horse chase that just happened. No one gave a care that the princess escaped upon a white horse. Link takes out the Ocarina of Time._

Navi: HEY! When did you get that ocarina?

Link: While you were unconscious. You make a great punching bag. I guess you do have your uses.

Navi: LISTEN! But what happened to Saria's Ocarina?

Link: That old thing? I like this ocarina so much better. So I broke it.

Navi: HEY! What?

Link: What did you think I hit you with, my hand?

Zelda: Link.

Link: What the hell? ZELDA?

Zelda: Yes, it's me. I'm am talking to you through a telegraphic message.

Link: Wait, you can do this? Can you see me?

Zelda: Of course! How else do you think I know stuff? Really, Link, you should try to use the bathroom behind a tree or something.

Link: I am never taking requests from princesses who have green eyebrows again.

Zelda: I do NOT have green eyebrows.

Link: Are you kidding? Nintendo made your eyebrows a green color! It looks like you puked in them or something. The coloring on the Nintendo 64 sucks! It will only be about a decade until Nintendo comes out with better colors.

Zelda: Never mind, just listen. Play this song in front of the alter.

Link: Why should I trust you?

Zelda: Link, you went on a quest to retrieve the Spiritual Stones after I told you I thought the world was in danger because of a dream I had. Why should you stop believing me now? Now, play this song

(Zelda plays the music, Link copies. Suddenly, the stones float above his head and into the alter, causing the Door of Time to open.)

Link: How in the world did that door open? In this day and age, there is no way that Hyrule has that technology to open such a heavy door! Perhaps in Twilight Princess, but not here!

(Link and Navi walk up though the door. Navi sees the Master Sword)

Navi: LISTEN! That's the Master Sword, Link! It's in the Pedestal of Time!

Link: This is starting to get confusing. All of the names with "of Time" with it. The Ocarina of Time, the Door of Time, the Pedestal of Time, the Temple of Time, the Song of Time. Honestly, the producers of this game really need to get an imagination and change the names. They are dishonoring Spongebob.

Navi: HEY! You actually watch that show?

Link: Of course! Every Saturday morning at ten! I have never miss an episode!

(Link goes over the Pedestal of Blandness, as it is now being called, and pulls out the Master Sword.)

Link: This thing is heavy! A little kid like me should not be able to even pick this thing up!

Ganondorf: Mwahahahaha.

Link: Ganondorf! Are you stalking me?

Ganondorf: Of course! If you would just accept my friend request of Facebook, then it would be so much easier!

Link: As if, I wont even accept Navi's friend request!

Ganondorf: I knew you had the keys to opening the Door of Annoyance, so I followed you here! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

(Fading…)

Rauru: Link. Link, wake up!

Link: Just five more minutes.

Rauru: I have just spent the last seven years trying to wake you up, so let's go! Up and at them!

Navi: LISTEN! Link, look, you're grown up!

Link: Huh?

(Link wakes up and looks at himself)

Link: Holy cow, I just got hotter.

Rauru: Cross-dressing hero…

Link: This is a tunic!

Rauru: With tights. Men do not wear tights. Welcome to the Chamber of Sages. I am Rauru, Sage of Light. Link, you must save the world from Ganondorf's grasp, for he has gotten a piece of the Triforce. I have sealed you spirit here so that you would be old enough to be the Hero of Time, but thanks to some editing you are now the Hero of Missed Puberty. Go to the forest. Here, I give you the Medallion of Light.

Link: One question. Two, actually.

Rauru: Yes?

Link: Why the heck do I have to save the world? Why am I grown up? I'm suppose to be a kid, I'm a Kokiri. And has it really been seven years?

Rauru: You have to save the world because the maker of Legend of Zelda says so. As for the second question, I am not allowed to answer; it goes against my script. And yes it has.

Link: So that means I missed seven years of Spongebob.

Rauru: Yes.

Link: NOOOOOOOOO! I'll get you for that, Ganondorf!

Rauru: And for destroying the world and trying to get the whole Triforce.

Link: Sure, whatever it takes.

Rauru: Go now, and save the world! And find Zelda!

Link: I have to look for her? Great, I could have avoided that if I had only stopped that horse!

Navi: HEY! Link, do they have Guitar Hero in the future?

* * *

**Thanks for reading! Not sure if I will add any more chapters, but we'll see. Thanks again!**

**

* * *

**

Sheik: Why am I not in this chapter?

Impa: Cause you are not important to the story.

Sheik: I have spent the last seven years reading Fan Fiction stories on the internet, Impa, I'm ready to go!

Impa: No one cares about you until you transform back to Zelda. Besides, have you checked Facebook yet? I keep getting friend requests from Ganondorf.


	2. Chapter 2

**Hey, readers! If I have any readers… anyway, here is chapter two. I am having a ball with this one! And so.. entering Sheik!

* * *

**

_This chapter begins at Ganon's Tower, where we see the evil king in his dressing room. He is staring at a piece of the Triforce, which after some editing, was renamed the Three Idiot Trackers._

Ganondorf: Tracker, Tracker on the wall, who's the evilest of them all?

Tracker: Tingle is the evilest of them all.

Ganondorf: That bastard? Fine, Tracker, Tracker in the air, who has the reddest hair?

Tracker: Tingle has the reddest hair.

Ganondorf: What the hell? Fine, Tracker Tracker like a crystal ball, who is the sexiest of them all?

Tracker: Tingle is the sexiest of them all.

Ganondorf: Damn! That son of a gun is always taking the spotlight! No wonder Nintendo gave him his own game! Fine, how do I become more evil than Tingle?

(The Idiot Tracker does not respond.)

Ganondorf: ARG! I forgot you never respond to more than anything than a rhyme! Those bastards at the fairytale company; why do they make everything so complicated? I was never any good at my English class; I always failed the poetry unit. Very well. Tracker Tracker that is not blue, tell me how before I kill you.

Tracker: Defeat the boy clothed in green who wields the legendary Master Sword, the stupidest name for a sword of all time. Not to mention that it is not the most powerful sword. The Biggoron Sword is so much stronger, so it's a shame you are eventually defeated by a boy dressed like a girl wielding a stupid weapon.

Ganondorf: What the hell are you talking about? What's this about being defeated?

(At that exact moment, a super sexy woman with a hot tan enters the room.)

Nabooru: Ganondorf, it's time for your bubble bath.

Ganondorf: Finally, I get so cranky when I don't have my soapy pointless bath. Are the bubbles pink and extra big?

Nabooru: Of course.

Ganondorf: Just how I like it! Fit for a king!

Tracker: Technically, you're not a king.

Ganondorf: What? Why the hell did you just speak without me saying a rhyme? What's this about not being a king?

Tracker: To be king, you have to marry a princess.

Ganondorf: So what, now I have to save a princess from the tallest room from the highest tower? This isn't Shrek; this is Legend of Zelda. If I want to be a king, then damn it I'm king, and no one else says so!

(Both sexy woman and evil prince leaves the room.)

Tracker: Idiot has left the room.

(With that, it stopped glowing)

_Now we see the Hero of Missed Puberty, with his annoying fairy. He has left the Temple of Extreme Boredom, and has entered the Market._

Link: Where is everybody?

Navi: HEY! Link, don't you remember the last cut scene?

Link: What cut scene?

Navi: LOOK! You know, after we left the Chamber of Sages? To go find Zelda?

Link: Who's Zelda?

Navi: LISTEN! Did you already forget the quest?

Link: What quest?

_**-Flashback-**_

_Link finds himself is the place where he pulled the Master Sword from the Pedestal of Blandness._

Link: Talk about taking a nap. I went to sleep as a smoking hot main character, and awoke as a super sexy ultra cute and powerful hero.

Navi: HEY! Time to go, Link.

_Link and Navi walk away from the Pedestal of Blandness as Link sang "Men men men men men, manly men men men." Suddenly, both Link and Navi freeze, as though someone was there behind them, because there was_.

(Turning around)

Link: Who are you?

Sheik: I am Sheik, the last survivor of the Sheikah.

Link: What, is your name really Sheik? It sounds like the stupid English translators messed up or something.

Navi: LISTEN! Maybe those Nintendo people ran out of imagination, so simply decided it would be cool to simply take Sheik out of Sheikah?

**_-At the Nintendo Company, during the making of the game years ago-_**

Producer: Since coming up with names is so difficult, I have decided to name this random, unnecessary character by simply cutting out most of Sheikah. Actually, only two letters, but in Japan it would be one character, I think. My Japanese sucks.

George: Won't the fans notice the lack of imagination?

Fred: Yeah, isn't that a problem?

Producer: Nonsense! Who would ever notice?

(Note: After checking every wiki page on Sheik imaginable, it is quite clear that everyone noticed.)

**_-back to Hyrule-_**

Link: Nah.

Sheik: Never mind that, I have long forgiven them. It helped that I made the suggestion for the next Link to be Toon.

Link: You didn't!

Sheik: I did.

Link: NOOOOOOO!

Sheik: Link, you must go to the Temple of the Forest, where the Forest Sage awaits you. To reach her, you must go to Kakariko Village to retrieve an item that will help you. Go to the graveyard to see what I mean. Go save her before its too late.

Link: Why would I listen to you? You have just ruined the history of the game! You planted the seed of destruction in the minds of the producers!

Sheik: If you don't, I will have your World Of Warcraft account canceled.

Link: Anything but that!

Sheik: Now, go! I will wait here.

Link: Wait, are you a boy?

Sheik: Yes, why?

Link: Well, it's just that you don't look it. Any normal boy does not have a body like that! Your body is almost too sexy. A skinny waist, tiny ankles, and small wrists. Long legs and long arms. Really, it's weird.

Navi: LOOK! Link, because you are still a ten year old boy inside a seventeen year old body, there are some things you still do not know. In the world, there are times when boys come to love boys, and girls love girls. It's called… gay.

Link: Sheik is gay?

Sheik: What the hell? No!

Link: I understand. Look, I'm not your type, ok? Maybe you should look somewhere else.

Sheik: I'm not…

Link: I just don't swing that way.

**_-End of Flashback-_**

Link: What's with these flashbacks?

Navi: WATCH OUT! Link, look! There are Redeads!

(scary looking human-like monsters, also known as zombies, are walking around.)

Link: Those aren't monsters! Those are the normal people! That's what they really look like, without all of the make-up and costumes.

Navi: HEY! Link, I'm not joking!

Link: Besides, who thought of the name Redeads? I mean, how can something be redead? Once you're dead, you're dead! You don't come back to life and die again!

Navi: HEY! Run, Link, one's coming after you!

Link: Navi, I have read in a cheat that you have one of the most powerful attacks in the game. Listen…

(Link whispers into Navi's ear, if there is even an ear. Navi flies toward the monsters.)

Navi: HEY! LOOK! LISTEN! WATCH OUT! LOOK! HEY! LISTEN! HEY! HEY! HEY! LISTEN! WATCH OUT!

(The monsters screamed and burned to death into piles of dust, which still tried to crawl away from the annoying voice.)

Navi: HEY! That hurts my feelings!

Link: Well done! Not only are you a great punching bag, but your attack is awesome!

( he says this as he lies on the ground in sheer pain.)

_After Link recovers from that fatal blow, he and Navi make their way to Kakariko Village, where they hope to find the stupid item that Sheik told them to get._

Link: I'm a men, MANLY man, I'm a man in tights.

I roam around the forest looking for fights.

I'm a man, I'm a man in tights.

I rob from the rich and give to the poor, that's right!

I may look like a sissy, but watch what you say or else I'll put out your lights!

I'm a man, I'm a man in tights,

TIGHT tights!

Always on guard defending the people's rights.

When you're in a fix just call for the man in tights!

I'M BUTCH!

Navi: HEY! Link, no body else is singing.

* * *

**Thanks again, fan fiction readers! This chapter was fun. Please read the next one if it comes out! :D

* * *

**

Tingle: I'm too sexy for my shirt, too sexy for my shirt; too sexy for my shirt, so sexy it hurts. And I'm too sexy for your party, too sexy for your party, no way I'm disco dancing.


	3. Chapter 3

**Not the best chapter I have ever written, but it keeps the story going. Next chapter will be better. Well, if I do make another chapter.**

**

* * *

**

_-Press Start-_

_File:_

1. Link **-**

2. Link

3. Steve

_Start **-** Erase_

_-Press A-_

(Long, somewhat annoying opening video.)

Malon: Why don't they show me in this clip? And why haven't I been in the story yet?

Maannga: To be honest, you are a somewhat annoying character. Your singing voice sucks. And your mother needs to teach you a new song; Epona's song gets old.

Malon: Nobody asked for your opinion, you stupid author! Besides, you are writing my every thought and wishes that you make up, so isn't this like talking to yourself? And don't make me go on to how you lock yourself in your room with a box of cookies like a little baby. You just sit there and stare at the computer screen. You honestly have no life what so ever.

Maannga: …

_-Restart-_

_-Press Start-_

File:

1. Link**-**

2. Link

3. Steve

_Start Erase **-**_

_-Press A-_

Would you like to delete this file?

No Yes **-**

**

* * *

**

_Our story begins on the second file, where we see Dampe, the dead Grave keeper, talking with Link._

Dampe: I have the power to control minds! It comes with being dead! I have complete control over you! MWAHAHAHAHA!

Link: No you don't.

Dampe: I made you say that!

Link: Why are you even here anyways? I mean, I guess it makes sense and all, a dead person keeping the graves, but seriously what's the point of you being here? Go on to afterlife already! You were annoying enough, and ugly enough, as a kid, but now you are just plain creepy! And stalker-ish.

Dampe: No questions, I control you!

Link: Stop saying that!

Dampe: Shun the nonbeliever!

Link: Shut up, you minor character! Seriously, whoever made you up was on high or something. Now, in the name of anything that is not Mario tell me why you are here!

Dampe: I am here to waste your precious time by making you race me through my own grave so that you could get the hookshot, and then suddenly randomly appear in the windmill, which really is a merry-go-round.

Navi: HEY! Are you on drugs?

Dampe: Yes. You know, I have some suggestions concerning drugs…

Link: No! Don't give Navi ideas! She's already in rehab!

Navi: HEY! No fair Link!

Dampe: Well, then. Do you think you can keep up with me?

Link: Let me think. You're dead, you can go through walls, float through midair and control doors that could kill me. Bring it on!

_So, Link and Dampe race through the cold hallways of the grave. As they raced, Link was barely able to keep up, thanks to the fireballs Dampe was throwing._

Link: What the hell, stop throwing fireballs!

Dampe: Why? It's fun!

Link: Why did the producers decide to waste my precious battling time by racing a dead character? He's dead! He is not needed after that! How hard is it for the producers to program the hookshot to be somewhere else?

_Link finally keeps up with the ghost, who rewards him with the hookshot, the most pointless weapon in the game besides the longshot. Link then leaves the grave and makes his way toward Lon Lon Ranch. On his way…_

Link: Navi, what in the name of this sentence is that?

Navi: LISTEN! It's a poe, Link, which is Nintendo's name for a ghost. I think it had to do with copyrights or something.

Link: Darn that federal law! It's making me so confused! Keese, for example, are really bats, and a Like Like… actually, I'm not really sure what the hell a Like Like is really suppose to be. Why can't this be any easier.

Navi: LOOK! Well, this is Fan Fiction, so here all copyright laws are erased, so we can call them whatever we want.

(So, after some editing, all monsters have been renamed.)

Link: Navi! What's that?

Navi: LISTEN! That's a ghost, Link! Apparently, there are special ghosts as well, but I've never seen one, so I wonder if they really exist. To kill it, shoot it with your bow!

Link: But I don't have a bow yet.

Navi: LOOK! Oh…

_Link and Navi run away from the Ghost. If Link was able to wear the Bunny Hood and if it had the same power as it did in Majora's Mask, he might have made it to Lon Lon Ranch without pain._

(In a daze)

Link: Sonic the Hedgehog is cool….

Navi: HEY! Link, snap out of it! Come back to me!

Link: Where the heck am I?

Navi: HEY! Lon Lon Ranch.

Link: Who came up with that name? Honestly, Lon Lon? Sounds like some sort of rotten cheese.

(Turning to see Ingo right behind him)

Ingo: Hail Ganondorf!

Link: Gahh! How long have you been here?

Ingo: Since you been talking to yourself, cross-dresser. Hail Ganondorf!

Link: I was able to make it through one chapter without anyone calling me a cross-dresser! For the last time, it's a tunic! And I was not talking to myself! I was talking to my extremely annoying fairy.

Ingo: I see no fairy, crazy cross-dresser, Hail Ganondorf!

Link: Why the hell does she keep hiding in my hat? None of the other Kokiri's fairies hide in their hats!

Ingo: Mwhahaha! You will never suspect my super evil awesome plan to help Ganondorf capture you so that he will be the most evil person in all the land by forcing you to pay fifty rupees to race me on horseback so that I can beat you and lock you in the ranch. Forever. Hail Ganondorf!

Link: That sounds like a great plan.

Ingo: Hail Ganondorf! Would you like to race me? It's only fifty rupees.

Link: Since I am a gullible fool, I will accept your challenge and race you!

_Several races later, Link was out of 200 rupees, but he finally won a race. Enraged, Ingo locked the gates to the way out of the ranch_.

Ingo: Now you will stay here forever!

Link: Crap, now what?

Navi: LISTEN! Link, I have an idea! Get on Epona! Ride her as fast as she can go and make her jump the really high fence! Don't try the really low gate, because thanks to programming Epona is not allowed to jump it.

_And so, Epona, Link, and Navi jumped over the fence, a hight that Epona will never agin be able to jump in the rest of the game, leaving Lon Lon Ranch._

Link: Wow, that's the first time I have ever stolen something before!

Navi: LOOK! Don't make a habit of it. The Great Deku Tree got tired of my bad habit, so sent me to be with you to get rid of me.

Link: Whatever, you're too nice! You're such a pansy.

(Looks through bag)

Link: Where is my lunch money?

Navi: WATCH OUT! Epona took it!

_We now are at Ganon's Tower, where we see Ganondorf in his room. It is quite clear he is upset, and for good reason because after all, his plan to use Ingo to capture Link failed. He had just set his pink Barbie room on fire._

Ganondorf: Mindless Minion, call for my limo.

Mindless Minion: Sir, you have no limo.

Ganondorf: Then get me one and call for it! And put out my room, why did you let me set it on fire?

(Ganondorf stomps upstairs, his face red with rage. As he enters the tallest tower, the Idiot Tracker glows)

Tracker: Idiot detected.

Ganondorf: Tracker Tracker, cut the crap and show me Link!

(An image of Link riding Epona appears)

Ganondorf: I am never trusting internet advertising again! That moron, Ingo, let that cross-dressing freak get away! And with my horse! I was suppose to have lessons on her! And every time I see those green clothes, I can't help but think how uncomfortably hot they must be.

Tracker: If it makes you feel better, the plan he had come up with was completely stupid. Why don't you send your phantom you had made by the internet company Phantom-R-US (copy write)? You can stop him at the Forest Temple!

Ganondorf: Why don't I send that phantom I had made by that internet company Phantom-R-US (copy write)! How perfectly evil! Phantom!

(Coming out through the wall)

Phantom: You called?

Ganondorf: Go to the Forest Temple and defeat Link!

Phantom: I'm sorry, but that program was not been installed. If you want to install this program, please visit our website at www. phantom-r-us (copy write).com/gov/net/org.

Ganondorf: Damn internet to hell!

_During this, Link makes his way toward the forest to see his old friends again and hopefully learn about his strange past. His good old buddies who beat him up to keep in shape. Yes, the same ones who pretended to like him._

Link: Navi, we took a wrong turn!

Navi: HELLO! I told you to go left!

Link: If you didn't interrupt my thoughts so much, I might have known that!

Navi: HEY! It's not my fault!

Link: Really? Well, this is all I hear. HEY HEY LISTEN LOOK WATCH OUT HEY LOOK LOOK HEY HEY HEY HEY LISTEN HEY WATCH OUT LOOK LISTEN HELLO HELLO HELLO LOOK LOOK LOOK LISTEN LISTEN WATCH OUT HELLO!

* * *

**Thanks for reading again! Please tune in next time for the possible fourth chapter! For now, I'm going to go talk to myself. And eat cookies.

* * *

**

Ingo: Hail Maannga!

Maannga: Stop that!

Malon: WHAT THE HELL? LINK WAS AT LON LON RANCH, AND I DIDN'T EVEN APPEAR? HOLY CRAP! YOU SON OF A B****! AND DON'T YOU DARE EDIT OUT MY CUSS WORD, YOU NERDY AUTHOR!


	4. Chapter 4

**Hello again, Fan Fic Readers! I bring to you, chapter 4! Last time, on Behind the Scenes:**

Zelda: Link, I have to marry Ganondorf. I have to have an heir.

Navi: HEY! The Great Deku Tree's will was found. I wasn't in it. Some stupid fairy name Tatl became his heir. I lost everything.

Zelda: Link, I have to marry Darunia. I have to have an heir.

Sheik: But Link... I... I... I love you! Don't leave me! Please!  
Link: I'm sorry, but it is not going to work out, Sheik. I'm not your type.

Zelda: Link, I have to marry Sheik. I have...  
Link: No f***ing way.  
Zelda: Ok, you're right, I didn't mean that one.

Impa: It turns out the chest implants I received were infected, so I'm going to die.

Producer: Since when did Legend of Zelda become a soap opera?

* * *

_This chapter begins in the Lost Woods. Link was very surprised to see how much the Kokiri Village has changed. Upon learning that Saria, the only person who did not make fun of him in his face, was missing, he made his way to the Forest Temple to find her._

Link: Mido!

Mido: Who the heck are you, adult? Why do you have a fairy, and why are you wearing green clothes?

Link: Mido, could you get out of my way? I need to save Saria.

Mido: Heck no, stranger! Why should I let a cross-dresser like you by?

Link: If you don't, I'll slash you with my sword!

Mido: You can't, thanks to programming. You can't kill anyone besides monsters. Beat that, sucker!

Link: Darn those producers! First off, why can't I pass a ten year old? I'm a strong man! And why can't I kill him? ARG!

Navi: LISTEN! This seems familiar…

**_-Flashback-_**

Mido: You cannot pass me to see the Great Deku Tree!

Link: But he sent for me! And look, I got a fairy!

Mido: It doesn't matter! You cannot see the Great Deku Tree because I say so!

Link: If you don't let me by, I will beat you up!

Mido: Listen, cross-dresser, you can't lay a finger on me! And the day you become stronger than me will be the day you become an adult. Oh, and what's that? You can't, because you're a Kokiri! HAHAHAHAHAHA!

**_-End of Flashback-_**

Link: Damn, what should I do?

Mido: Gasp!

Link: What?

Mido: You said the D-word.

Link: The d…word?

Mido: The d-a-m-n word.

Link: Damn?

Mido: Yes!

Link: Oh, well then. Damn all you mother f****** to hell, you son of a mother f***** b****, for not letting me by, you sorry piece of sh**! Get the f*** out of my f**** way, you d***-head, or I'll take your small-a** foot and shove it up your a**!

Mido: WAHHHHHHHHH! STOOOOPPPP!

Link: Now, you sorry piece of crap, let me by!

Navi: LISTEN! Link, just play Saria's Song! It should let you by!

Link: Why should I? How the hell is a song going to let me by?

Navi: HEY! Just go by the script, you amateur.

Link: Fine.

(Pulls out the Ocarina of Bull Crap. Plays Saria's Song)

Mido: You know Saria? Saria only lets her friends know that song. And her prostitutes. Very well, cross-dresser, you may go by.

(Mido steps to the side, letting the two go by.)

Link: Prostitutes?

Navi: HEY! Makes sense. Must be hard for a ten year old who is actually older than she appears to be to find someone. After all, she does have green hair. Nintendo couldn't decide what to color her hair, so picked the most bizarre color they could find.

_Link and Navi make their way to the Forest Temple, while passing some really weird dog things with spears. When they get to the really big one in front of the unnecessary large staircase…_

Link: Of all things not Sony, what the hell is that?

Navi: HEY! I'm not really sure, Link. For some reason, I can't L-target on it.

Link: Oh, no wait, I know what is it is. It's the producer's daughter.

Navi: HEY! What?

Link: Yeah, she demanded a role in the game or something, so she got this part. She, no doubt in my mind, fits the part.

Navi: LISTEN! It doesn't matter who it is, you have to get by her!

_And so, they manage to pass the monster with the big weapon. She is so stupid that for some reason she does not turn around to attack them. In only three hits she dies. Three hits to kill a twenty-foot monster. After that, they make their way up the staircase._

Link: Where is Saria?

Navi: LOOK! Not here, Link.

Sheik: Yes, she is gone.

Link: Sheik!

Sheik: Like a river, time will always flow, even if we want it to stop. Yet friendship…

Link: Cut the friendship and "I'm going to be dramatic" crap.

Sheik: What?

Link: Look, I understand that you're gay. But if you're going to take it that far, then go get help or get out of my screen time.

Sheik: I'm not gay!

Navi: HEY! Keep telling yourself that, hon.

Sheik: But I'm not!

Link: And I'm in Soulcalibur II.

Sheik: ARG! Fine, I'm just going to play this stupid song I want you to memorize.

Link: Does it have the name " of Time" in it, because if it does I'm going to kill someone.

Sheik: No, you cross-dressing amateur, it doesn't.

(Sheik plays Minuet of Forest on the harp-thingy)

Link: See, Sheik? You even play the harp! That's a girly instrument.

Sheik: It is not…

Link: Come, Navi, let's go!

_Link and Navi enter the temple. They are ready for anything that comes their way. They are ready to save Saria, and save the forest._

Link: You know Navi…

Navi: HEY! What?

Link: I just have this weird feeling… What if we are in some strange box that other people can see, and everyone one of those people could control our moves? You know, like making me jump off a cliff or even fight Ganondorf!

Navi: LISTEN! Don't be absurd, Link. You really need to lay off those cookies you stole from Maannga, because either the author is having revenge on you for stealing, or those cookies gave you bad dreams. Honestly, Link, get a brain!

Link: I suppose you're right. It might be this creepy temple. I hate old things, and place is so old!

Navi: HEY! Link, I wrote a song, do you want to here it? It might make you feel better.

Link: Sure, Navi, go ahead.

Navi: HEY! Ok, here it goes!

I've got a song that gets on everybody's nerves

Everybody's nerves

Everybody's nerves

I've got a song that gets on everybody's nerves

And this is how it goes

Bam-bam-bam

I've got a song that gets on everybody's nerves

Everybody's nerves

Everybody's nerves

I've got a song that gets on everybody's nerves

And this is how it goes

Bam-bam-bam

I've got a…

Link: MY EARS! MY EARS ARE BLEEDING! STOOOOOOPPPPPP!

Navi: LISTEN! How rude, I put every ounce of effort to make that song!

Link: I can't hear! I'M DEAF! HELP MEEEEEE!

Navi: LOOK! No, really, look! There are four strange-colored fires!

Link: What did you say? What? What?

Navi: HEY! Link, come on.

Link: Navi, look! There are four fires that are weird colors! Since when is fire purple?

Navi: LOOK! Ask the Nintendo Company.

Link: What?

(Suddenly, the ghosts appeared, each holding the fire in a torch. They run off, closing the way to the boss room by stealing the fire)

Link: What the hell? How does stealing fire close off an elevator? And why does a temple as old as this have an elevator?

Navi: WATCH OUT! Those ghosts are special ghosts! Too bad they are the only ghosts you cannot bottle up and sell to that creepy ghost collector guy back at back at Hyrule. Why does anyone want to collect the dead?

Link: WHAT?

_**-Unnecessary Flashback-**_

Ghost Hunter: When there's something strange in the neighborhood, who you gonna call?

GHOSTBUSTERS!

Link: Um, what the hell are you?

Ghost Hunter: I'm of no importance Link.

Link: How do you know my name? Why do you only have one red eye?

Ghost Hunter: I can read minds. And don't be sure this is an eye. How about you join my ghost buster's club? If you kill ghosts and bottle them for me, then I will give you something cool.

Link: Why would I do that? And how do you bottle the spirits? How lame.

Ghost Hunter: I know the time when you…

_**-End of Flashback-**_

Navi: HEY! I'm going to have nightmares of him for the rest of my life.

Link: WHAT? I'M STILL DEAF!

* * *

**Thanks for reading! Again. Anyway, I would like to add that anything that I said in the last chapter that was about me was not true.**

**…Except for the cookies part. I love cookies.

* * *

**

Big Giant Monster Thing…. What the Hell Is It?: DADDY! WHY DID I GET THE THIS PART? WHY DID I HAVE TO DIE? IS IT BECAUSE OF MY FACE? I WANTED TO BE ZELDA!

Ganondorf: I didn't even appear in this chapter! Wahhh, no fair. Baby Ganondorf is going to cry in a corner . I need a hug.


	5. Chapter 5

**Hey, Fan Fiction readers! I have decided to continue this story, so here is chapter 5! I would like to thank Saria Forest14 for pointing something out to me on my last chapter. After reading her review, I did some research and it turns out she was right! D: I was shocked. A friend had suggested that I do that, not even telling where he got the idea. Sigh. Also, this chapter was redone because king3809 pointed out that there was something else I was somehow copying. -_- Anyway, thanks again for pointing that out, and here is chapter 5!**

**

* * *

**

Link: You know, there is something I don't get with this game.

Navi: HEY! What's that?

Link: All the other games have my future selves get mail, but I don't get a darn thing.

Navi: LOOK! You get that letter from Princess Ruto.

Link: I found it! I didn't even get to keep it! And besides, look where it led me to, inside an overgrown, over-worshipped fish! Ugh, after seven years I still smell like it's gut!

Navi: LISTEN! Why is this such a bother?

Link: Well, I got mail today, so it got me thinking.

Navi: HEY! Good for you, Link! Who is it from?

Link: Nintendo! They asked me to appear in their new game, Super Smash Brothers Brawl! I guess being on Melee wasn't enough for them.

Navi: LISTEN! Oh… um… how to put this…. Link, let me see the envelope.

Link: (shrugging) Sure, here you go.

_Navi reads the envelope_

Navi: LOOK! Link, this is for Twilight Princess Link, it was not suppose to go to you. I'm not sure how they even got you two mixed up.

Link: WHAT? How can this be? I'm so much better than him! I'm the original Link! I'm the one who made Legend of Zelda the way it is!

Navi: HEY! Look, Link, sorry about that. Maybe they will make you a sticker or something.

Link: A sticker? Why the hell would I want to be a sticker?

Navi: HEY! It's better than nothing.

Link: Yeah, at least I got an invitation.

Navi: LOOK! I did too, Link! They asked me to be Twilight Link's partner! I get to do a taunt move and stuff! I'm so excited!

* * *

_Link made his way through the Forest Temple by himself, leaving his dying companion in the water he tried to drown her in. As Navi tried to catch up, Link found himself face to face with Joelle, the fire red ghost and the first of the Poe sisters. _

Link: Your sisters are ugly, you freaky freak!

Navi: HEY! What are you doing, Link?

Link: Trying to annoying this ghost!

Navi: WATCH OUT! Link, that's Joelle, one of the Poe Sisters. She can turn invisible and attack you with her torch! Attack her when she is visible!

Link: Joelle? Why does she have a name? I thought all ghosts were nameless!

Navi: HEY! Well, she is a kind of a mini boss.

Link: So she gets a name? How the hell am I going to remember her name? I already forgot it!

Navi: LOOK! Of course you did.

Link: Die, ghost thing, die!

_Link kills Joelle, who is a joke, and finds himself facing Beth, the blue Poe sister. _

Navi: HEY! When did you get that bow, Link?

Link: While you were drowning. Anyway, this ghost is as easy as before, right?

_So, Link kills Beth, who is also a joke and a waste of time. Link finds himself wandering around the confusing temple before coming face to face with Amy, the third Poe sister who is clothed in a green attire of emerald cloth, draped around her dead body and torn at the edges from use._

Link: The author just got fancy with her words.

Navi: LISTEN! Link, we need to figure out this puzzle to defeat Amy!

Link: Now I just don't understand. Why in the world are the first two sisters exactly the same when it comes to killing, then suddenly I have to solve a stupid puzzle to fight the third? It's so random!

**~At the Nintendo Company~**

Fred: Sir, why don't we have the four Poe sisters require different ways to defeat them?

George: No, I think we should have three of the sisters be fought the same way, by shooting arrows through a picture frame, then the last sister be fought differently.

Fred: No, my way, it makes more sense.

George: My way, it's easier to program!

Fred: My way!

George: My way!

Producer: Tell you what, let's combine the two ideas! The first two sisters will be the same, and the last two different!

Fred: Good idea!

George: Yeah, I like it!

Producer: No one will know the difference!

**~Back in Hyrule~**

Link: Ah.

Navi: HEY! Link, just solve the stupid puzzle!

_So, Link solved the puzzle, and Amy appeared. Just like her kin, she was a joke, but a little more of an annoying joke. With three of the fires captured, Link goes to the main room to see Meg, the final Poe sister who glows the color purple. _

Meg: Welcome, hero.

Link: Holy cow, you talk!

Meg: Technically, no, I don't. But the author thought it would be interesting to see what would happen if I did.

Link: Oh, ok. So, I get to kill you now?

Meg: Hold on, I'm not as stupid as my sisters. If you can find the real me, I will let you attack me. Then, you can face the evil that is more powerful than you can ever imagine.

Navi: LISTEN! Cut the crap and get with it.

Meg: Fine. This is why I hate fairies.

_Suddenly, three ghosts who look similar to Meg appear, and they begin to dance around Link._

Link: This couldn't be so difficult if they all didn't look so alike.

Navi: HEY! I think that one is her.

Link: The one that dance around twice in a row? Nah, it's too obvious.

_Link defeats Meg, after making some serious mistakes about which one is which, and the elevator that will take Link to the final boss appears. Link gets on and makes his way to the forest boss._

Link: Oh boy, look, another ghost.

Phantom: I am a phantom, not a ghost.

Link: Honestly, I'm sick of all these undead. Go to hell, you freaking dead person.

Phantom: Well, that's not very nice. I worked hard to be in this condition. I had to go to the gym every day for years before I was finally able to be called upon by Ganondorf.

Link: What?

Phantom: But we are not here to talk about my life's story! I am here to defeat you! But can you kill a picture?

_Phantom goes into a set of picture, all of which are identical. _

Navi: WATCH OUT! That Phantom can attack you by going through paintings! Shoot him with you bow!

Link: And go through all that annoying effort? No way!

_Link takes out Din's Fire, the best thing since microwavable popcorn. He uses it to burn all the pictures._

Phantom: NOOOOOO! Now I can't leave this place!

Ugly Woman in Painting: Hello, gorgeous.

Phantom: How long have you been in here? I've never seen you before!

Ugly Woman: But I have, in my dreams! Come here, sexy!

Phantom: NOOOOOOOOOO!

_Link grabs the heart container and leaves the temple. _

Navi: Well…. That was easy.

Link: DOWN WITH POINTLESS PROGRAMMING! DOWN WITH THE FOURTH WALL!

* * *

Joelle- I can talk, why did Meg get to talk?

Amy- blah blah blah blah! Blah blah!

Beth- Sono koto kosei!

Maannga- SHUT UP! LEAVE ME ALONE!


	6. Chapter 6

**Hurrah, chapter 6! YEAH! I'm so happy I finally got to this chapter. Sorry, for updating chapter 5 so late. I guess you can say I had writer's block for this story. Also, I went back and asked EVERYONE I knew who watched parodies of Legend of Zelda and the like. I really hope I am not copying anything. If I am, DO NOT PUT IT IN A REVIEW! Just send me a message, ok? I'll fix it, because I hate copying. Ok, enjoy!**

**

* * *

**

Go ahead and skip this chapter. Honestly, it's a pointless chapter. All that happens is that Link learns some info about his past that most Zelda fans should already know, and he only saves Saria from Phantom Ganon and learns about Ganondorf's real scheme that Nintendo lied about and saves the forest and meets the Great Deku Sprout and does some random stuff that Nintendo edited out of the real version so that the game would not be destroyed for its horrifying content. And yes, that was all one sentence.

Go ahead, skip this chapter.

* * *

_This chapter begins with Link at Death Mountain, where I am about to be interrupted by Na…_

Navi: HEY! Maannga!

Maannga: Oh, I saw that coming. What do you want?

Navi: You skipped an important scene!

Maannga: What are you talking about?

Navi: LISTEN! You know, the one where Link meets Saria again and finds out about his past form the Great Deku Sprout!

Maannga: It's FROM, not form! And anyways, I did this on purpose, ok? I thought it was unnecessary.

Navi: LOOK! No, it's not ok. Fix it now!

Maannga: Look, I just want to get on with the stor…

Navi: HEY! LOOK! LISTEN! WATCH OUT! LOOK! LISTEN! MAANNGA IS….

Maannga: Alright, alright! Here's your stupid scene in the form of a flashback.

**~ Very, Very, very, (sigh) very, long Flashback~**

_This pointless flashback begins with Link somehow floating down into the chamber of secrets, whop-de-do. Suddenly, coming from the green medallion on the floor, a green-haired girl appears, and begins to talk to Link._

Saria: Link, you saved me! Thank you so much!

Link: Hup!

Saria: Um… what?

Link: Heyaah!

Saria: Please, Link, what are you saying?

Navi: LOOK! It's sort of a phase he's going through. He thinks the fan girls love it when he grunts manly. Just speak up; he's listening, I think.

Saria: Ok… Anyway, Link, oh great cross-dresser and Hero of Missed Puberty, I thank you for defeating the Phantom and saving the forest from evil.

Link: Hup! Heyaah, hiyah!

Navi: LISTEN! He says that finally you two can be together again. And he says to stop calling him a cross dresser, the fan girls hate it.

Saria: Oh, Link, but that can't be. As the Sage of the Forest, I must protect it alone. You must continue on to save the other sages. Alone. Link, take this medallion, as proof that you have saved me.

_Saria lifts her hands in the air, and a medallion falls from the sky. Link didn't lift his hands in time, so the medallion hit him square on the head._

Link: GYAHHHHHHH!

Navi: LOOK! Geez….

Saria: Good bye, Link and remember, we will always be friends.

_Link disappears, who was still twitching on the floor. As she watched them go, she smiled. _

Saria: Good-bye, moron. Finally, FREE! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

_Link falls in front of the corpse of the dead Great Deku Tree. He stands there, with a big bump on his head, and begins to cry._

Link: Hiyah!

Navi: LISTEN! No, Link, she was not perfect for you. Trust me. Besides, I know you don't want a stinking medallion, but grow up! Come on, let's go save the fire sage.

_Suddenly appearing from the ground is a strange, tiny tree._

Great Deku Sprout: G' day, mates!

Link: Hup?

Navi: (now translating everything Link says) What the hell are you?

Great Deku Sprout: I'm the Great Deku Sprout. My father is the dead tree thing behind me. Pleasure to meet ya!

Link: Hiyah?

Navi: What a minute, wasn't the Great Deku Tree male? How could he spawn a baby?

Great Deku Sprout: It's a long story. I suppose it was on that faithful day when my father, who was only a Great Deku Sapling as the time, met the beautiful creature I am proud to call mother. Her bark was dark with age, and her texture…

_(Hours later)_

Great Deku Sprout: And so, I was seeded to take my father's place. Even though my evil older brother wanted to take over, my father saw the evil in him, and chose me as his heir instead.

Link: …hup.

Navi: … very interesting. You talk pretty well for a baby.

Great Deku Sprout: Thank you, I get it from my father's side. You know, the Great Deku line has a history of intelligent children…

Link: HIYAH!

Navi: No, thank you.

Great Deku Sprout: Fine, then. I suppose you have other things to see. Before you go, I do have some important things to tell ya mates. Listen well. Link, you are not a Kokiri.

Link: Heyaah.

Navi: No, really, what hinted you?

Great Deku Sprout: A long time ago, your mother came to this forest, injured from war. She wanted to protect her baby, a.k.a., you. And so…

**~Flashback within Flashback~**

Link's mother: Please, Great Deku Tree, save my baby! Spare him, raise him, please, I beg you!

Great Deku Tree: I already have enough kids as it is! And the worst part of it all is that they will never, EVER grow up! I don't need another stupid baby. Go find some other organism that has human-like features.

Link's mother: But… he will be a hero! Please!

Great Deku Tree: NO! Get it in your head, woman, I don't take stupid babies! Go away!

Link's mother: If you don't, I will light a match and set you on fire.

Great Deku Tree: You can't do that.

Link's mother: Want to bet? I may be dying, but I will not die till you take my baby! In fact, I really don't need you. I'll just get rid of you…

Great Deku Tree: Fine, FINE! Give me your kid, and die over there! Not on my roots, I'll stink for days.

**~End of flashback within Flashback~**

Link: hup…

Navi: The Great Deku Tree… was a very interesting creature.

Great Deku Sprout: So, you are actually Hylian! Also, there was some suspicion that you are actually the prince of Hyrule.

Link: Heyaah?

Navi: WHAT?

Great Deku Sprout: Think about it, mates. Zelda has no mother, neither does Link. They look alike, are about the same age so could be twins, and even have the same dreams! Come on, too obvious.

Link: Heyaah! Hup!

Navi: I knew I was something more than a cross dresser! I can rule the world.

Great Deku Sprout: Of course, this is all speculation, and none of which is true. So, you better go stop Ganondorf before he decides to do something weird, like sing. Good-bye, hero!

**~End of very long Flashback. Finally~ **

_This part of the story begins with Link at the foot of Death Mountain, where he still standing heroically. Posing… posing… posing… posing…. MOVE IT, STUPID!_

Link: I think I heard a voice, echoing. It sounded angry.

Navi: LISTEN! Finally, you're talking again. I really hate translating for you.

Link: Well, nobody cares what you like.

Navi: WATCH OUT! Oh, really.

Link: Anyway, let's go the Goron City! I wonder if I can get a new supply of bombs.

_Link begins to walk up Death Mountain Path. Navi sees a big boulder coming his way, but says nothing, and relishes the sounds of his screams as it rolled, slowly, over him._

Navi: HEY! Does anyone else not care about what I think?

_A coconut falls from the sky, hitting Navi on the head._

Navi: HEY! Coconuts… migrate…. How can that be? Where.. did… it come… from?

_Passes out._

Maannga: And that's why, children, being an author rocks, because you can do anything, even make coconuts migrate. That's what you get, Navi!

Saria: Go Maannga!

Maannga and Saria together: MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

* * *

Ganondorf: Link may have defeated my Phantom, but I will send second worst thing in the world. I will sell this game… to Sony.

Random Person: NOOOOOOOO!

Nabooru: What's the first worst thing?

Ganondorf: Having Justin Bieber sing live. And when that happens, the world will crumble and the dead will die a second death. EVIL RULES!


	7. Chapter 7

**CHAPTER… what chapter is this?... CHAPTER SEVEN IS UP! Yes! Ok, enjoy everyone! :D**

**

* * *

**

Link: EVERBODY DANCE NOW!

Song: Dun, dun dun dun dun, dun dun dun dun, dun dun dun…

_Darunia break dances._

_Link does the disco._

_Navi does… something._

_Ganondorf does the cat walk._

_Zelda does the pole dance._

_Maannga does jumping jacks._

Tingle: (in a sexy pose) Work it!

* * *

_This chapter begins at Ganondorf's tower, where we see Ganondorf throwing a fit. _

Ganondorf: ARG! My Phantom!

Nabooru: Evil Prince, calm down. That company was a sham anyways…

Ganondorf: SHUT UP! It was suppose to go smoothly! And don't call me prince, we already went over this!

Nabooru: For any reader who doesn't understand, please refer to chapter 2.

Ganondorf: Who are you talking to?

Nabooru: Nobody in particular.

Ganondorf: There is no way I can get that Phantom back now! My Phantom is stuck in a horror picture. Look!

_Ganondorf calls upon the Idiot Tracker, who responds to his call and a picture of the Phantom appears, who is currently being chased by an extremely ugly woman. _

Ganondorf: Wait, what? My Phantom is being chased by a woman? That's not fair.

Tracker: Life ain't fair, buddy.

Ganondorf: Don't respond to anything unless it's a rhyme! How hard is that? I need a new plan, so I want you to give me a suggestion. Go.

Tracker: …

Ganondorf: WHY ME? Fine, Tracker, Tracker, full of spice, helping me would be nice.

Tracker: Honestly, I work with idiots. Fine, let me call a number that will help you. Please listen to this music while you wait.

_An extremely boring piece of music plays in the background. Ganondorf waits, impatiently, as he listened. _

_Meanwhile, at Goron City…_

Navi: I'm tired.

Link: NAVI?

Navi: Huh? Navi who?

Link: You!

Navi: Me?

Link: Yes! You're not saying anything before you speak, like HEY, LISTEN, WATCH OUT!

Navi: So?

Link: It's creepy, say something!

Navi: Hello, apparently my name is Navi. Pleasure to meet you.

Link: This is the best day of my life. You're not annoying! Praise the gods! It must have been that coconut you were hit with last chapter.

Navi: HURRAH!

Link: We needed to celebrate with the Gorons. But I'm a little scared to go in there…

Navi: Why?

Link: Well, last time I came here…

**~Flashback~**

Darunia: Ah, I LOVE music! Thanks for playing that, boy! What do you call it?

Link: (cowering in the corner and speaks in a weak voice) Saria's Song…

Darunia: That was awesome!

Link: Please… don't dance again….

~...~

Darunia: Thanks, brother, for saving the city! Let me pat you on the back!

_Darunia pats Link on the back so hard he falls to the ground_

Link: OW!

Darunia: Uh-oh, I think I heard something snap.

~...~

Darunia: Let's let everyone welcome you! Come, brothers! Welcome our latest brother!

Goron: Yes, lets!

Another Goron: Everyone, big, bear, group hug!

Link: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

**~End of Flashback~**

Navi: Ohhhh….

Link: Well, we have to talk to them anyways, I guess. I want more bombs. I wasted my last round trying to block the passage way so that Princess Ruto could never escape.

Navi: Why?

Link: Never mind…

_Link and Navi notice a small Goron rolling around the room. They decide to stop him._

Link: Excuse me.

_The Goron ignored him, and keeps rolling. _

Link: Hey!

_Goron does not stop. _

Link: LISTEN TO ME!

_Link throws a bomb, which hit the Goron, causing him to stop._

Navi: I thought you had no bombs.

Link: Ever heard of bomb plants? Too bad they blow up as soon as you pick them.

Navi: Who was the idiot who invented that?

Link: They call him… the producer.

Navi: The producer? How about that nice man with the red beard? I'm not sure where I remember him from, though… Tall, ugly, green skin.

Link: Navi, we need to talk.

Goron: Hey, maaaannnn! What did you throw that bomb for?

Link: Sorry, but I needed to stop you.

Goron: So, why couldn't you just call for me?

Link: I TRIED!

Goron: I don't respond to anything but my name, maannnn.

Link: Then, who are you?

Goron: Well, I am the greatest swordsman of all time, the legendary Link, so don't mess with me.

Link: Wait, what?

Goron: You heard me, the name's Link.

Link: Wait, that's MY name.

Goron: No, it's not. I was named after a boy with an annoying fairy. You have a fairy, but she's not annoying. And you're an adult.

Link: How long ago was this boy around?

Goron Link: Seven years.

Link: PEOPLE GROW UP AFTER SEVEN YEARS, IDIOT! Besides, this fairy lost her memory, so all that annoying crap is gone!

Goron Link: Tell you what, let's have a match. If I can roll around this city one thousand times before you save the city, then you must honor me as the great Link. If you beat me, then I will honor you has the great Link.

Link: What's wrong with the city?

Goron Link: Didn't you notice that there is nobody else around?

_Silence_

Link: Now that you mention it…

Goron Link: Save my father and my friends from the evil dragon Volvaria, who likes to eat Gorons. There is a passageway in my father's room. Can you do it?

Link: Sure, but where is…

_Link the Goron started to roll away again._

Goron Link: Match starts now, GO!

Link: I still don't know where the passage way is!

Navi: I guess he's not listening. He seemed like a nice little boy, though it's surprising that he is the great Link. Honestly, stranger, you shouldn't try to be someone else. Embrace your inner self, be proud of who you are.

Link: (teary eyed) Navi… (Suddenly red in the face from rage) I'M THE REAL LINK, YOU FREAK SHOW!

_Link and Navi, who has only three wings now, go into Goron Link's father's room. _

Link: OMG!

Navi: Omg? What's that?

Link: Oh my god, that's what. Lol, you really need to get a life.

Navi: Lol?

Link: Never mind, let's try this scene again.

~Scene # something, Take 2~

_Link and Navi, who now has only two wings, go into Goron Link's father's room._

Link: HOLY MOTHER!

Navi: WHERE? WHERE IS SHE? WHO IS THE HOLY MOTHER?

~Scene # something 2, Take 3~

_Link and Navi, who now only has one wing, go into Goron Link's father's room._

Navi: It's getting hard to fly…

Link: HOLY COW!

Navi: Medium, or rare?

~Scene # something 3, Take 4~

_Link and Navi, who no wings left, go into Goron Link's father's room. _

Link: OH MY GOD!

Navi: (rolling into the room) What's wrong Link?

Link: It's a rock that looks like a Goron!

Navi: So?

Link: It's staring into my soul…

Navi: Hey, I bet that rock Goron is the passageway!

Link: Are you suggesting that you are smarting than me?

Navi: Did the words escape my lips?

Link: Look, there is no way that that rock… thing is the passageway.

Navi: Why not trying to pull back on it? Maybe it will reveal a passageway!

Link: Yeah, right.

Navi: Please, a poor, wingless fairy is asking you.

Link: NO! It will get me nowhere!

_Hours of bickering later._

Navi: And what did you learn?

Link: Never get in an argument with a female, cause you will lose.

Navi: Perfect, now try to pull back on the Goron rock.

Link: Yes, ma'am.

_Link pulls back on the rock, revealing a tunnel. Link and Navi go through, right into the volcano._

Link: HOLY COW!

Navi: What is it this time?

Link: Lava. LAVA, HOLY SHIT, LAVA! AND IT'S SO HOT IN HERE!

_As he screamed, his arms waved about, hitting Navi, who somehow regained her wings, in the head._

Navi: HEY, LISTEN, WATCH OUT, LOOK! Link, what are you doing? You need the Goron tunic! If you don't get it, you will die in this heat!

Link: (dying) So now you tell me…

_Back at Ganondorf's tower…_

Tingle: Hello, who is this?

Ganondorf: Hello there. My name is Ganondorf, King of Evil. I would like some help to defeat the Hero of Missed Puberty, the obnoxious Link.

Tingle: I see. I will be glad to be of some help, but there will be a fee.

Ganondorf: I'll pay! Just give an idea.

Tingle: Well, let's see… I hear that Link is at Death Mountain right now. I could just go finish him off now, but the thing is to get inside you need the Goron tunic, and I just don't look good in red. Hmm… I know! Let's send him spam on his Gmail account! He will never be able to escape it.

Ganondorf: Yes.

Tingle: Then, when Link goes to save the Zoras, Princess Ruto will be there to finish him off.

Ganondorf: YES!

Tingle: Ah, I'm getting another call. Please hold while listening to this music.

_Music begins…_

Song: Link.

Has come to town.

Come to save the Princess Zelda

Ganon has locked her away, so now the children don't play

But they will, when Link saves the day

Hallelujah!

Now Link, fill up your hearts

So you can shoot your sword with power

And when you're feeling all down

A fairy will come around

Till you be brave, and not a sissy coward.

Now Link

Has saved the day

Put Ganon in his grave…

Ganondrf: WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?

* * *

Tingle: Putting on music to make Ganondorf go insane… check.

Navi: HEY! I got my memory back!

Everyone: NOOOOOOOOOO!


	8. Chapter 8

**Hey, everyone. Sorry for not updating in so long. I was really sick; it hurt to move. Anyway, here is chapter 8, I believe! :D**

**

* * *

**

Maannga: Hey, Everyone! New plan for this chapter!

Ganondorf: Yes, this chapter is going to star ME! I shall be the main character, so you can all enjoy my beautiful…

Maannga: GANONDORF, OUT OF MY INTRODUTION!

Ganondorf: But…

Maannga: Navi, attack him.

Navi: HEY! With pleasure.

(insert blood-curling screams here)

Maannga: Anyway, this whole chapter is going to be one big giant flashback, to honor an important member of the Legend of Zelda series, Malon. I am happy to report that I left her out of the story, but after some annoying pestering, I have decided to dedicate this chapter to those campfire stories about the great Lon Lon Ranch.

Malon: Finally, it took you long enough.

Maannga: Shush. Anyway, I have decided to break up the stories by year. The stories when Link is a kid will be first, followed by the adult stories.

Malon: So now you can see both the young and young side of me, when I was cute and when I am beautiful.

Maannga: S.H.U.S.H. So, thank you for your time, and enjoy the chapter. Talon, are you ready?

Talon: zzzzzzzz

* * *

**~Story 1 (Child)~ Meeting Malon **

Link: Hey, Navi, where are we?

Navi: LISTEN! We are at Lon Lon Ranch. They have a lot of horses that are famous here, and their milk is spectacular.

Link: Eew, I HATE milk!

Navi: LOOK! Who are you, Edward?

Link: Who's that?

Navi: HEY! Never mind, it's reference.

Link: Hey, do you think I could get a horse here?

Navi: LOOK! Maybe.

_Link and Navi walk around, and as they did heard the worse singing voice they have ever heard in their entire short lives._

Link: My head! Who's singing that?

Navi: LISTEN! Over there, that girl is singing!

Link: Hey, girl!

_The girl stops singing, and stares at Link._

Link: Stop singi…

Malon: Hey, you're that fairy boy I met at the castle.

Link: We did?

Malon: Yes, don't you remember?

Link: Um…. Oh, yes, the red head carrying a cucco egg. And my name's Link, not fairy boy.

Malon: Yup! Oh, fairy boy, did you like my song? My mother taught it to me when I was really young she used to sing it to me all the time and my best friend loves it that horse over there is my friend her name is Epona and she is the greatest horse of all time she likes this song a lot it calls to her every time I sing it hey fairy boy, what did happen to my cucco?

Link: That was all one sentence…

Malon: What?

Link: Nothing. You're cucco flew away as soon as it woke up your father. And once again, it's Link, not fairy boy.

Malon: You lost my cucco?

Link: Well…

Malon: I trusted you! I spent WEEKS taking care of the egg, and you went and lost it! How COULD you?

_Malon runs off crying, leaving Link standing there._

Navi: LISTEN! You made a girl cry.

Link: What did I do? I didn't do anything!

Navi: HEY! No wonder…

_A young, beautiful horse walks over to Link, nuzzling._

Link: So, this is Epona.

Navi: LOOK! I think she likes you, Link. She says that you are her hero that you made that girl stop singing. According to her, she only came to Malon in hopes that she will stop singing.

Link: You can understand horses?

Navi: HEY! Yup.

Link: Cool.

Malon: (who came back) Epona likes you! I guess I will teach you the song that Epona likes so much since she trusts you so I guess I can trust you I forgive you for the chicken I hate chickens anyway so do you have an instrument so I can teach you the song?

Link: Um… yes. What a strange attitude change…

Malon: Ok, here I go!

Link: Hold on, it's ok…

_Malon starts singing, and Link tries to learn the song through his pain. Finally, he learns Epona's Song._

Malon: Good job!

Link: So, can I call the horse to ride anytime I want?

Malon: Heck no, stupid fairy boy. You can only have her when you are bigger and she can carry a rider! I gave you a useless song for the mean time. Or wait until Majora's Mask, ok?

Link: Like I said, my name's Link…

**~Story 2 (Child)~ Milk**

_Link and Navi enter the house, searching for rupees, and run into a cucco nightmare. _

Link: What the hell is this? Why are the cuccos inside?

Navi: HEY! There's a man over there, Let's go talk to him!

Link: Hey, stupid man, wake up!

_No response_

Navi: LOOK! Try something else.

Link: Hey, you're ranch is going to be taken over by Ingo, that creepy man I met a few minutes ago.

_No response_

Link: You're daughter ran away with Ingo to elope.

Talon: WHAT! THAT SON OF A GUN FINALLY LAID HIS FILTHY HANDS ON MY DAUGHTER! I'M GOING TO TRY TO BE ANGRY NOW!

Link: Excuse me.

Talon: Huh? Oh, I remember you! You're that kid that woke me up at the castle! Hey, what are you doing at my ranch?

Link: Well, according to my guidebook, you are suppose to give me a bottle if I win some game, so bring on the game, grandpa!

Talon: I think you have be confused with someone else, son. I'm not your grandpa. Maybe if you look at Hyrule Castle Town, you might find him. Anyway, sure, I have a game you can play. If you can find my three special cuccos in about a minute, I'll give you a lovely prize. Can you do it?

Link: Sure, but what's so special about you special cuccos? They look like any normal cucco.

Talon: These one's lay golden eggs.

Link: Really?

Talon: No, they are special because I say so. They are really no different than the other ones. Ok, ready go!

Link: Wait, where did they go?

Talon: The point is to find them.

Link: But maybe I don't want to.

Talon: TIME'S UP! Ok, you owe me 10 rupees.

Link: What? Why?

Talon: For wasting my time to play a game. Dish out the jewels.

Link: Ok, that's it, you're on!

_Link plays for days until beating the game._

Link: Alright, give me the bottle.

Talon: Hey, how about marrying my daughter?

Link: WHAT?

Talon: You heard me.

Link: But I'm ten.

Talon: And?

Navi: HEY! Trust me, say yes.

Link: NO WAY, OLD MAN!

_A few days later._

Malon: And don't EVER hang visitors by their toes again, ok Daddy?

Talon: Yes, sweetie.

Navi: LOOK! Link! Speak to me! Are you ok?

Link: I can't think, all the blood has gone to my head…

Navi: LISTEN! Good, you're fine.

Talon: Here is your prize!

_Talon hands over a bottle of milk._

Link: Milk… I HATE milk! Give me an empty bottle, not something filled with a cow's…

Navi: HEY! No, Link, he'll hang your throat!

**~Story 3 (Adult)~ Prizes**

Malon: Hey, Link, it's nice to see you again.

Link: I wish I could say the same, Malon.

Malon: Thanks to you, our ranch has been saved! This makes me happy.

Link: Good for you. Why did I come back again?

Malon: Hey Link, I have a good challenge for you.

Link: Oh, boy, what is it?

Malon: If you can beat my race time of 0:50 going around this track two times, I'll give you a great prize!

Link: Really? What is it?

Malon: Hee-hee, you'll see. Will do it?

Link: Sure, why not? Let me get Epona, and I'll show you what I can do!

_Link races… and races… and races… and to save up space let's just say it took a REALLY long time._

Link: There… I did it. Give me my prize.

Malon: 0:49 is your time. It's only one second less than mine, but it is faster, so you win. The prize is too big to give to you in person, so I'll have it sent to your house.

Link: What is it?

Malon: You'll see!

_So, Link and Navi go to Kokiri Forest, returning to Link's tiny house._

Link: I wonder what my prize is. A sword? Maybe a really cool item!

Navi: LOOK! Or a bottle.

Link: I could use another one, after all…

Kokiri: DON'T GO IN!

Link: What? What are you talking about? And who are you?

Kokiri: I'm one of those people without a name. And don't go into the village, there is a weird monster that arrived! It's white and black, and with horrible horns!

Link: Then I shall defeat this monster for you! After I get my award!

_Link and Navi enter the village._

Link: I don't see any monster. Anyway, let's go get my prize!

_Link climbs the ladder to his house._

Link: Where is the chest? WHERE!

Cow: MOOOOOOO!

_Link stares at the cow in his house, while the cow stares back. Then the cow starts to speak._

Cow: Hey honey. How about some milk?

(insert extreme horror here.)

**~Story 4 (Adult)~ Cuccos**

_Link and Navi are staring at a group of cuccos._

Link: I don't remember those cuccos being there.

Navi: LOOK! They must be from Kakariko Village. Remember the cucco lady, who was allergic to cuccos? These must be hers.

Link: Remember how I use to attack them thinking I could kill them?

Navi: HEY! Yeah… Remember how they attacked you, and you couldn't get away so you almost died?

Link: Yeah… Remember how all I had to do to get away was to get inside?

Navi: LISTEN! Yeah… Remember how that lady with the beard thought you were cute, so tried to kiss you?

Link: Irrelevant, but yeah… Good times…

Navi: LOOK! Yeah, good times…

Link: Say, I wonder what would happen if I attacked them as an adult?

Navi: WATCH OUT! Probably not a good idea.

Link: Come on, I'm an adult now! What's the problem? They should be easy now!

_And so, the stupid hero attacks the cuccos, and we all stand at his funeral, morning his strange loss._

_

* * *

_

Maannga: That's all, folks!

Bugs Bunny: Hey... what's up, doc?

Daffy Duck: It's Rabbit season!

Tingle: I hope you don't mind, but I invited the Loony Tunes.


	9. Chapter 9

**This chapter is short! Sorry, fan fiction readers!**

**

* * *

**

~Mystery story #1 (meaning that there might be more in the future)~

_This random story begins at a temple. I'm not which one, I'm just at a random temple, ok? Anyway, let's jut say we are at the Water Temple. Fine, ok, so anyway here we are at the Water Temple, where we see the most disturbing scene._

Pink Fairy: HELP ME! SOMEBODY, HELP ME! OH, PLEASE, HELP!

Person in Black Cloak: Silence, you little devil.

Pink Fairy: NOOOOOO! LET GO OF ME!

Person: Shut up.

_The person in the black cloak approaches a jar within the temple._

Pink Fairy: HELP!

Person: No one can hear you.

_The person stuffs the fairy into the jar, where it will be stuck until someone saves it._

Person: Ok, only a few more jars to go.

_A cell phone rings from his pocket._

Person: Hm? Hello, who is this?

Ganondorf: Hello there. My name is Ganondorf, King of Evil. I would like some help to defeat the Hero of Missed Puberty, the obnoxious Link.

Tingle: I see. I'll be glad to help, but there will be a fee.

~To be continued~

* * *

_This chapter begins with Link at the Goron Store, in hopes to buy a Goron Tunic. _

Link: Ok, is this a joke?

Navi: HEY! Hee-hee…no…ha ha… but it should be… hee-hee.

Link: But, this can't be.

Navi: LOOK! Oh, Link, you'll look so manly in that!

Link: Hey, Goron, do you have a Goron Tunic that comes in red?

Navi: LISTEN! Which reminds me, I thought all the Gorons where captured by that Dragon, so why are you here.

Goron: To answer the lady's question, this store needed to be ran by someone, and for the lad's question, no. Pink is the only color we got.

Link: But, I'm a hero! Get me something manly.

Goron: A true man wears pink proudly.

Link: Not unless your gay!

Goron: Look, if you don't buy it, you cannot save this village, then you cannot move on, which means that we will get the Biggorons to kill you.

Link: Oh god…

Goron: BUY IT, DAMN IT!

_Link buys the pink Goron tunic, and puts it on. _

Link: I'll get you for this, author.

Navi: LISTEN! The author is not going to respond. Come on, let's go into the volcano now!

_So, Link and Navi go into the volcano, ready for anything that comes their way. Don't worry, Link, I'll be ready._

Link: It didn't take so long to get into this temple as it did the last one…

Navi: HEY! The producer got lazy?

Link: Who knows.

Navi: LOOK! The bridge is out!

Link: So it is. I guess I'll use my handy dandy… HOOKSHOT! Dun Dun Duuuuunnnn!

Navi: LISTEN! Oh, bother…

Link: Right here I go!

_Link hook shots to the bridge, miscalculates, and falls into the lava. _

Link: NOOOOO!

Navi: WATCH OUT! Don't worry, Link! You'll come back alive! You'll just come back with two less hearts or something!

Link: GAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!

~Restart~

_Link hook shots to the other side, and makes it._

Link: Good.

_Begins to walk, and somehow falls of the bridge. _

Link: HELLPPPP!

~Restart~

_Link hook shots to the other side, and makes it._

Link: It hurt so much…

Navi: LISTEN! Think of it as a memento of your epic story.

Link: No thanks.

_Coming from literally nowhere, Sheik jumps in front of Link._

Sheik: Hello, hero.

Link: Sheik!

Sheik: You are about… hee-hee… to enter the Fire… ha ha… Tem… HAHAHAHAHAH! What are you wearing? Is that pink? And you call ME gay!

Link: It's not as it looks, it's all for the world, so appreciate it! And how long were you there for?

Sheik: Hee-heee… a few minutes.

Link: So you were just watching me die? Why didn't you help me?

Sheik: I thought you were doing it on purpose. It was funny. Hee-hee. Besides, …hee-hee… it goes against my script. But, man! I couldn't see that pink dress through the smoke! Ha ha!

Link: It's a tunic!

Sheik: Sure, sure, whatever you say, gay cross-dresser. Oh, this is too good.

_Sheik whips out a cell phone and takes a picture of Link._

Link: What was that for?

Sheik: Oh, I'm sending this to everyone in Hyrule. Oh, man, this is just AWESOME! Ha ha, ok, well, anyway, here is the song you want to know so you can warp to this spot anytime you want.

Link: NO! Give me the cell.

Sheik: Tell you what, if learn the song, the cell is all yours.

Link: Bring it!

_And thus, Link learns Bolero of Fire._

Link: The cell is mine!

Sheik: Yup, here you go!

_Tosses it into the lava._

Link: HA! Now you can't send it to anyone!

Sheik: But I already did as you were learning the song. Wait until Saria sees that! Well, so long!

_Disappears, leaving Link to stand in his misery. _

Navi: LISTEN! A lot of people like pink, Link. Maybe the fan girls will love to see their hero dressed in pink.

Link: Why?...

Navi: LOOK! Come on, let's go into the temple now, so by the next chapter we can defeat this hot place.

Link: What have I done to deserve this?

**~What Link has done to deserve this Movie~**

(Link pulling out Navi's wings)

(Link blowing up the Goron City)

(Link stealing from the kind old lady crossing the street.)

(Link killing innocent creatures)

(Link prank calling)

**~End~**

Navi: HEY! Let's consider this slowly, Link…

~Meanwhile, somewhere by Zora's Domain~

Ruto: What? My cell's buzzing, I wonder who it is.

_Whips out cell, and looks at text._

Ruto: Oh, it's Sheik. What's this picture? … OMG, HOW CUTE! I WANT YOU LINK! COME BACK TO ME!

~Meanwhile, at Ganondorf's Tower~

Nabooru: Ganondorf, your cell is ringing.

Ganondorf: Really, what is it?

Nabooru: A text.

Ganondorf: Well, bring it up!

_Nabooru looks at the cell, and begins to squeal._

Ganondorf: What is it? Let me see!

_Ganondorf snatches the cell out of her hands._

Ganondorf: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Oh my god! That is a good look for him! Oh, man, I have got to send this to Vaati.

Nabooru: I don't have a cell, can you print this picture for me?

Ganondorf: Why?

Nabooru: Well… I'm a fan girl….

Ganondorf: WHAT?

Nabooru: Just send me the pic, ok?

Ganondorf: No.

Nabooru: SEND IT TO ME, YOU MOTHER F******, BEFORE I RIP YOUR ARMS OUT OF THEIR SOCKETS!

Ganondorf: (screams)

* * *

Maannga: Fan girls are scary… the power they have is intense… the flames of moe is overpowering…

Tingle: OMG! Isn't it sooo cute when Dark Link attacks Link. It's soooo dreamy.

Fan girl: I know, right? (Squeals)

Maannga: NOOOOOOOO! HELP ME!


	10. Chapter 10

**Holy Cow, Chapter 10. This is a big milestone for me. Wow… this feels great! :D Ten chapters of ridiculing Legend of Zelda…cool. :) Anyway, I would like to thank those who have been reading my story from the start. Thank you to ztmackin, who not only favorite this story, but also favorite me as an author! Thank you! Also, thank you to Foxpilot, who has read literally all my stories. I appreciate it!

* * *

**

~Mystery Story #1 (continued)~

_We are still at the Water Temple, and Tingle has now finished his strange conversation with Ganondorf. After telling Ganondorf someone else is calling him, he hangs up and picks up the other line._

Tingle: What do you want?

Voice: You know what I want.

Tingle: I've been stuffing fairies in these jars for months, when does the real work begin?

Voice: When I say so. But you are right. It's now time for you to go and move that scarecrow from the lakeside, and place copies of it all over Hyrule. This is your next mission.

Tingle: Who are you, anyways?

Voice: Only one person knows. And you are not to know.

Tingle: Fine.

_Tingle hangs up. _

Tingle: I bet that person knows.

~To be continued~

* * *

_This chapter begins in the Fire Temple. Link is in front of a Goron, who is behind a cage._

Link: I feel a little nervous about letting this one out.

Navi: HEY! Why?

Link: Well, I remember this one.

Navi: LISTEN! How? They all look the same!

Link: This one has a tiny scar. See? Right there, under his skin. The one you can't see.

Navi: LOOK! …

Link: Anyway, this one…

Navi: WATCH OUT! Let's stop there, before this Fan Fiction story becomes rated Mature.

Link: I wish Darunia didn't ask us to help him rescue everyone, nor his son…

**~Flashback~**

Link: Darunia!

Darunia: Brother! Long time no see!

_Darunia hits Link hard on the back._

Link: GAHHHHH!

Darunia: Oh, sorry, brother!

Link: (coughing blood) It's fine.

Darunia: Good!

Link: What are you doing here? I thought you were captured?

Darunia: Heck, no, brother! The Great Darunia does not get captured!

Link: I see.

Darunia: As for what I was doing here, I am going to defeat the evil dragon that sleeps in this volcano. That stupid dragon is going to eat all of the Gorons, thanks to Ganondorf. That man pisses me off! Anyway, there is suppose to be a "legendary hammer" somewhere, but I can't find it. So, I'm going to go defeat that dragon with my bare hands!

Link: What about your companions.

Darunia: Who?

Link: Everyone else! They are all imprisoned, right?

Darunia: Sorry, dragon comes first.

Navi: LOOK! You're heartless!

Darunia: If you're so worried, go save them yourself! I'm sure, that since you are a huge hero and all, that you can rescue them easily.

Navi: LISTEN! So you are just going to go and defeat the dragon? Without the boss key or the "legendary hammer?"

Darunia: I'll figure it out.

Navi: HEY! Does the words "you are going to disappear and fail" mean anything to you?

Darunia: No, why?

Navi: WATCH OUT! Didn't think so.

Darunia: Anyway, go save my friends, then we can have a party! We can all dance! Let's go!

_Hits Link hard on the back._

Link: GAHHHHHHH!

Darunia: Oh, sorry.

**~End of Flashback~**

Link: Memories…

Navi: HEY! Better let this one out.

Link: Fine.

_Link lets out the Goron, who give Link a huge kiss and runs off._

Goron: Don't worry Link, I shall be (the rest has been deleted by me, the author. Trust me, you do NOT want to know)

Link: Ew… Hey, at least help me find the rest of the Gorons!

Navi: LISTEN! He can't hear you.

Link: Nasty, Goron spit.

_Link and Navi continue to walk around, looking for the rest of the Gorons. At last, they came to one Goron._

Link: Sooo….

Navi: LOOK! For once, I agree.

Link: Why can't this Goron release himself? The switch is literally right next to him. And everyone expects me to somehow sneak in there and press the switch.

Navi: LISTEN! Why am I agreeing with you?

Link: HEY, GORON! PRESS THE SWITCH! IT'S RIGTH NEXT TO YOU, DAMN IT!

Navi: HEY! He's not listening.

Link: Come on. MOVE IT!

Navi: WATCH OUT! He's scared.

Link: Geez.

Navi: HEY! Hey, Link! There is a door over there! Looks like it might lead to the switch!

Link: Alright!

_Link runs over to open the door._

Navi: LISTEN! Though, that door looks funny…

_The door falls on Link as he opens it._

Link: GAHHHHH!

Navi: HEY! Oh, my! A fake door!

_Link and Navi somehow make it to the Goron._

Link: Be free, you ass.

Goron: Thank… you…. Hee-hee… ha aha… WHAT ARE YOU WEARING!

Link: What?

Goron: Is that pink?

Link: Don't look at me! It's that stupid Goron who made me buy this!

Goron: Well, it looks nice.

Link: Save it.

Goron: Do they come in men sizes?

_After Link slew the Goron, Link continues to search for the Gorons, and ends up in the fire maze._

Link: Fire walls. FIRE WALLS? WHY?

Navi: HEY! Oh well, get over it.

Link: Why doesn't this Goron Tunic protect me from the fire? I can stand this temperature, and walk on lava! WHY?

Navi: HEY! Well…

**~At the Nintendo Company~**

Producer: Here is the plan, folks! I want to make this awesome tunic that allows Link to walk on lava and withstand extreme temperatures.

Fred: Good plan!

George: But wouldn't he be invincible then?

Producer: Which is why it cannot stand fire.

George: That doesn't make sense…

Producer: Duh!

**~Back to Hyrule~**

Navi: LOOK! Anyway, let's go! Watch out for the….

Link: GAHHHHH!

Navi: LISTEN! …the giant boulders that roll around…

_Link finally gets past the fire maze, and meets the dumbest monster ever._

Link: That has got to be the gayest creature in the entire game.

Flare Dancer: If you don't like it, don't dance.

Link: What?

Flare Dancer: What is wrong with me, huh, punk? Don't like dancing? Wait till you see the dancing troupe in Termina. Those zombies sure can get it down.

Link: What?

Flare Dancer: (in an Elvis style voice) Hey, everybody, let's dance.

_Flare Dancer starts to get it down. As he is break dancing, Link talks to Navi._

Link: How do I defeat him?

_Navi says nothing._

Link: NAVI!

Navi: HEY! Hm? What?

Link: How do I defeat him?

Navi: HEY! Quiet, I'm watching this guy dance! He is a pro! Look at him do that ballet!

Link: I'll do what I do best. THROW BOMBS!

_Link throws a bomb, which hits the Flare Dancer and kills him._

Flare Dancer: (still in Elvis voice) Thank… you… very much… you a**hole.

Link: Alright, lets go get my prize!

Navi: LOOK! That poor dancer…

_Link and Navi go and find a stair case that leads to a chest that is on fire._

Link: Of course it's on fire.

Navi: Press that switch, and go get it!

Link: (sigh)

_Link steps on it, and the fire disappears. He runs up the staircase, slips, and falls into the big giant hole that happens to be in the center of the room._

Link: GAHHHHHHHH!

~Restart~

_Link tried again, and falls into the way where those giant boulders are rolling around._

Link: GAHHHHHHH!

~Restart~

_Link finally to the chest, where the time for the switch stops, and the fire comes around the chest, catching Link on fire._

Link: OW! OW! OW! OW! OW!

Navi: HEY! Stop, drop, and roll!

_Link stops, drops, and rolling into the giant hole._

Link: GAHHHHHH!

~Restart~

Link: I got the Megaton Hammer! DUN DUN DUN DUUUUNNN!

Navi: HEY! Good for you…

Link: Ok, let's go defeat that dragon!

Navi: HEY! You need the boss key!

Link: Shit.

_Link and Navi search for the boss key, and find another Flare Dancer. To save time, we are going to say that this Flare Dancer was.. unique, and Link was able to defeat him. And got the boss key._

Link: Yay!

Navi: LOOK! Aren't you traumatized?

Link: Why?

Navi: LISTEN! That Flare Dancer…

Link: Oh, nah. Girls are bothered by that stuff. Anyway, let's go finally defeat this boss.

_Suddenly, dropping from the ceiling, a Like Like, which after some editing, I have decided to call it a blob, because it's not anything else. The blob eats Link, then spits him back out._

Link: GAHHHHHH!

Navi: HEY! It stole the hammer!

Link: NOO! Give it back!

_Link attacks, fails, and gets eaten._

Link: GAHHH!

Navi: HEY! It stole your shield!

Link: NO!

Navi: LOOK! And the Master Sword!

Link: GIVE IT BACK!

_Blob eats Link._

Navi: WATCH OUT! Let me guess, GAHHHHH!

Link: GAHHHHHH!

Navi: HEY! Maannga likes to see you in pain today, Link.

Maannga: This chapter ran over! Well, time to stop!

Link: NO! I need my gear back!

Maannga: Sorry.

Link: STOP! DON'T YOU STOP TYPI….

* * *

Darunia: Somebody save the Great Darunia! I have been captured!

Sheik: I bet Link wishes the blob stole his pink tunic.

Ruto: I would have LOVED to see that happen! So dreamy.

Maannga: Ruto, go back to the lake.


	11. Chapter 11

**Sorry for updating so late, everyone. I've been busy. Ok, chapter 11!

* * *

**

~Mystery Story #1 (continued)

_WE find ourselves at the Happy Mask Shop, where we see the Happy Mask Salesman shining up his wares, when suddenly a tiny odd man barged into the room._

Happy Mask Salesman: Ho-ho-ho, can I help you?

Tingle: I'm done with the scarecrow thing.

Happy Mask Salesman: Hm? I'm not sure what you are talking about.

Tingle: Don't pretend now, Happy. I know it was you on the phone from the very beginning. I'm not an evil freak for nothing.

Happy: Hmm…. You're a very clever man…

Tingle: FAIRY! I'm a fairy!

Happy: …fairy, Tingle. But I thought you didn't know! I thought you were going to ask "that person!"

Tingle: I knew were watching me using hidden cameras, so I said that to throw you off.

Happy: So, why did you listen to me?

Tingle: Because the requests you gave me seemed interesting, and fun!

Happy: Tingle, let's keep this a secret from "that person!" I'll give you some important information.

Tingle: You cannot keep that information from "that person" no matter how hard you try. But I love secrets.

Happy: Think of it as payment for doing those jobs. Soon, Link will be traveling to a land called Termina. Ganondorf will not be there.

Tingle: Really… perfect. I shall talk to my agent to book a flight there, then. But, how do you know this?

Happy: Oh, "that person" gets around…

~End of Mystery Story #1~

* * *

_This chapter begins at the gate of the boss in the Fire Temple. We see Link, wearing a pink tunic, and he holds the Megaton Hammer. He is about to defeat the evil dragon, Volvaria. _

Link: Ok, this is it! After Navi defeated that blob for me, I feel as if I can take on anything!

Navi: HEY! Let's go already! Maannga took too long to update, so everyone must be pissed or something!

Link: You got it!

_Link and Navi enter through the boss door, where they see an island surrounded by lava. _

Link: Great, more lava.

Navi: LISTEN! I think you should be more worried about the dragon than the lava.

Link: As if! I can defeat some old dragon any day!

Navi: LOOK! MOVE IT!

_Navi pushed Link onto the island._

Link: Hey! Now I'm stuck here!

Navi: LISTEN! Good, now you can defeat the dragon! I'm am so sick of you complaining to be wearing pink, along with this putrid smell this volcano gives off, not to mention that I am sick of the heat. Let's get OUT OF HERE!

Link: (Cowering) scary…

_Suddenly, the ground shakes, and from the ground a large, red dragon emerges from the lava, screaming bloody rage. _

Link: (Scream)

Navi: HEY! Holy shit!

Link: (Scream)

Navi: HEY! Link! The hammer! Use the hammer! Kill it! Kill it!

Volvaria: Excuse me? Kill it? You sound like a barbarian!

Navi: LOOK! But you're going to kill us!

Volvaria: Of course, all you heroes are the same. You enter our homes, destroy the entire place, not to mention kill all of our friends, and storm into our bedroom while we are simply having a break! I was in the shower, you fool! Then you take what's left of our beating hearts and use it for yourself! How selfish! I hate you stupid "heroes."

Link: (Scream)

Navi: WATCH OUT! Do you think I enjoy slaying monster everywhere I go? I was forced out by the Great Deku Tree!

Volvaria: Nobody cares about you, you useless piece of baggage!

Link: Oh shit…

Volvaria: You pathetic ball of slime.

Link: Crap…

Volvaria: You sorry piece of scrap.

Link: You better stop….

Volvaria: Your mother was a….

Navi: ARG!

_Navi flings the hammer (who knows how she was able to pick it up) and hits the dragon square in the head. And it dies. Yay…_

Link: You killed it.

Navi: LOOK! Darn it, I lost my temper again. Once again, a creature lost its life because of it…

Link: (cowering in the corner) Again… she said again…

Navi: LISTEN! Well, Link, you better go get the heart container that it left behind.

Link: (looking at the heart) No way.

Navi: HEY! Why?

Link: I am never touching one of those things again… I never knew it came from those horrible monsters.

Navi: WATCH OUT! Where else did you think they came from?

Link: I thought… they just appeared randomly from the sky after a boss was defeated.

Navi: HEY! Where have you been? Besides what's the big deal? You already have seven heart containers, four of which belonged to the other monsters you defeated.

_Please, everyone, give him some space as he comes to reality. Wait for it… hold on, folks, his expression is changing… yup, there he goes. We better get a cleaning crew done to Boss chamber #5. _

Navi: LOOK! Next time, puck off camera.

Producer: Intermission!

_~Commercial~_

_Do you like maps? Are you confused, lost, or even confused? Then, come on down to Tingle's flying shop that appears in random places! All you have to do is search the entire world and you may get lucky to buy one of his maps! Only 35 rupees, and an expensive price! But don't worry, you'll just end up going back in time and losing all your money, so don't worry about saving that money. Spend it all, at Tingle's Shop! Any type of throwing weapon is required to receive any business._

_~End of commercial~ _

Navi: HEY! How are you feeling?

Link: Better. What did they feed me?

Navi: LOOK! Oh, just some milk and we decided to give you that heart container.

Link: WHAT? I HATE MILK!

Navi: HEY! Calm down! Let's think of something happy, like a good memory.

**~Memory~**

_Link and Navi are in front of the cave at the top of Death Mountain. Link is still a child._

Link: So, a Great Fairy lives here, right?

Navi: LISTEN! Yes. She is call the Great Fairy of Power, and she will give you a gift.

Link: Like… a present?

Navi: HEY! Yeah, similar.

Link: Hold on, what's today?

Navi: LOOK! What? What are you talking about?

Link: If I'm getting a present, then something must be happening today! So, what is it? Is it my birthday? Of course, I never really knew my birthday… or maybe Christmas! Or Easter? Or…

Navi: LISTEN! No, Lin…. Wait, yes it is. Sure, whatever you say. Now, go over there to that wall and blow it up.

Link: Yay!

_Link blows up the wall, revealing a cave._

Link: (singing) Present! Present!

Navi: HEY! Go on in!

_Link goes inside, into a beautiful yet strange fountain._

Navi: LOOK! Now go stand on that fake Three Idiot Tracker and play Zelda's Lullaby!

Link: Never made sense to me why they called the most powerful song in the game Zelda's Lullaby…

_Link does as he is told and plays the song. Suddenly, extremely creepy laughter rang out, making Link jump. Coming out of the water, a very, very, very, very, very, very, very ugly fairy, clothed in only vines, appears. _

Great Fairy: Hello, hero. It is nice to met you.

Link: WHAT'S THIS?

Great Fairy: Is something wrong?

Link: YES! You! What are you wearing? I'm ten years old! That's not appropriate, to show a ten year old your naked body!

Fairy: I'm not naked, these vines are covering me!

Link: And you're so ugly. You're scaring me. I want out of here! You're a mean clown, what a horrible birthday party.

_Link runs out crying._

Fairy: What was that! Wait! You forgot you magic meter!

Navi: HEY! That's insulting! She's my aunt, you know! Don't call my family ugly!

Fairy: Why was he crying?

Navi: LOOK! He is a kid…

**~End of Memory~**

Link: WAHHHHHHH!

* * *

Happy Mask Salesman: What's this?

Tingle: A gift for telling me such important information.

Happy: Is this…

Tingle: The one and only… Majora's Mask. Take care of it!

Happy: Of course… (extremely evil face)


	12. Chapter 12

**This chapter is not my best chapter in the world. It's short, too. I didn't want to go to the Water Temple quite yet… so… here is the chapter.**

**

* * *

**

Ghost Hunter: I can tell the future, hee-hee-hee!

Maannga: Oh, really?

Ghost Hunter: Yes. Oh, I see that you…

Maannga: STRANGER DANGER!

Ghost Hunter: I knew you where going say that!

Maannga: All right, mister Ghost freak, tell me. If you can tell the future, then when Link came to visit you in your shop why didn't you tell him how to complete his quest?

Ghost Hunter: Well, I love destruction! Link will only destroy it!

Maannga: Then wouldn't that be destruction to destruction?

Ghost Hunter: That destruction is a kind of destruction that fixes the destruction, so that kind of destruction I hate.

Maannga: Then, what would you say if he ended up saving Hyrule?

Ghost Hunter: Well… I see the future! He is going to fail!

Maannga: Yeah, just wondering.

* * *

_Link and Navi are welcomed back by Goron Link, who awaited them at Goron City._

Goron Link: You… won….maaaaaaan

Link: Of course I did! Now, I am Link, the greatest swordsman of all time! The hero! You're not! Hahahaha! Oh, and change your name, because it looks too much like mine in the story. People might get us confused.

Link: Oh, very well, maaaannn. Thanks for saving the city, brother.

Link: No, what are you doing? Stop that!

Navi: HEY! NO! Not two of you! Which one is which?

Link: I'm the real Link of course.

Link: Stop lying, I'm the real Link! I defeated you fair and square! I am the sexy hero! You're the stupid Goron!

Random Goron: Gooooohhhhhhh! (drool)

Link: Stop fooling the readers! Hey, readers, I'M the real Link!

Link: Come on Navi, let's go!

Link: Oh, to see Ruto? I bet she would love to see you.

_The Link freezes._

Link: Oh my, now what? After all the Water Temple is next, I believe. And Ruto has a cross-dressing men fetish.

Goron Link: FINE! Please, don't let her hurt me.

_Gorn Link runs off crying. _

Navi: LOOK! Link, you do realize that if you had let the Goron Link go in your place, you would not have to face her. Ever.

Link: …crap. WAIT! COME BACK! YOU CAN HAVE MY NAME!

Navi: LISTEN! The best part is that he called himself a cross-dresser, and hasn't even realized it.

_After that…_

Link: Well, I'm off! As the human Link. To see Ruto. Who chases me in my nightmares. And she's taking out a whip. No… Saria… run…. She's jealous…. She'll kill you… NO! HELP ME!

Navi: LOOK! Snap out of it!

Goron: Brother, even though you let our leader leave us behind, we thank you for saving us!

Goron (with the scar you can't see): Come back soon, my honey bunches!

Goron: Everybody, BEAR HUG!

Link: NOOOOOOOOOO!

_Off to the side as Link dies slowly…_

Maannga: Honestly, it gets so confusing when the Gorons don't have names.

Navi: HEY! Yeah…

_And so, Link, the little pink fairy who heals him, and Navi make their way to the Zora Domain, the beauty of the land. Where the greatest boss of them all awaits our favorite hero. Ruto._

Link: Where did the pink fairy go?

Navi: WATCH OUT! Link, every time you use a fairy…

**~Every Time Link Uses A Fairy~**

_Link falls as he dies, making the bottle open so the fairy can fly free._

Fairy: YAY! Good-bye, tight space! Bye people in green clothing. Good-bye!

_As the fairy flies around Link happily, its power is drained._

Fairy: No! The boy… he is draining my power… HELP ME!

_Fairy turns to dust, and Link is revived._

**~End~**

Link: So… a fairy just dies?

Navi: HEY! Yup.

_Link looks at Navi strangely. _

Navi: LOOK! No, wait. I'm different… hold on.. NO! DON'T PUT ME IN A BOTTLE!

_Link and the newly captured Navi travel up the river, to the Zora's Domain. Link finds out that he has memory issues._

Link: I forgot how to get in.

Navi: (muffled by the bottle)

Link: What was I doing here…

Navi: (muffled)

Link: Perhaps if I throw this ocarina at the water, it will part.

_Link throws the ocarina, where it goes through to the other side._

Navi: !

Link: Alright, I'm in!

_Link jumps to go through the water, but falls into the water._

Link: HEEELLPPPP!

~Somewhere far away~

Ruto: I heard! My love, he is coming! Oh, what a great day! I must go to the Water Temple to prepare for the wedding ritual! There is going to be cake and ice cream and balloons… to bad all my friends all frozen…

~At Ganon's stupid castle~

Ganondorf: Nabooru! My pink bubbles in my bubble bath where purple! Explain yourself!

Nabooru: Sir! A bat found the Ocarina of whatever the author called it! Here it is! All yours!

Ganondorf: It is all I ask. Pink. I said pink. How hard is it to make pink bubbles?

Nabooru: Sir… don't you want the ocarina….

Ganondorf: What are you holding? I got soap in my eyes, so it's hard to see. Where you stealing again? Return it to the owner, we have enough crap around here.

Nabooru: …yes…sir…

* * *

Old Fairy: Well, we will leave it at that.

_All the little fairy children gasp._

Fairy: But… what about Lovely the Great? After the evil green monster of the forest stole her power, didn't she die?

Old: Yes, dear children. She did, but she died for the sake of her friend, who was captured as well. We should remember her well.

Fairy: Oh. I'm scared. I don't want to die.

Old: Don't worry, my children. It's all a story. There is no evil green monster.

_And then, there was a huge shadow, that took the form of a boy with pointed ears, a bottle, and a long, stupid hat…_

_

* * *

_

Ghost Hunter: But… my future telling…

Tingle: Crap. Lying. Fairytales. Trust me, you are a fake. Link saves Hyrule.

Ghost Hunter: Shit. You saw through my scheme!

Tingle: Tell you what, go have revenge. Here, make it nearly impossible to let Link into Ikana Canyon in Termina by planting a tree…


	13. Chapter 13

**Hey, everyone! Sorry it took forever to update! Challenge time: Count how many times I mention magic in this chapter. :D**

* * *

Maannga: I'M BAAACCCCKKKK! And ready to take on my crappy story!

Tracker: Yes, it is about time, Maannga, Ganondorf was constantly asking were you where. He demands to know why he hasn't had any screen time yet. He also wants to complain because he was recently reading nasty Fan Fics that made him look gay.

Maannga: Really? Gee, never thought about that (Sarcastic comment)

Tracker: So, are we ready to go?

Maannga: See, that's just the problem. It's been so long that I no longer remember just exactly what to write. So, I am going to have to do that.

Tracker: THAT?

Maannga: You heard me.

Tracker: But, if you do that, you will probably die!

Maannga: Yes, I am aware of that. But I have no choice in the matter. I must go back and actually read this entire Fanfic. All over again.

* * *

_This chapter begins at Ganon's Tower, where Ganondorf is coming to terms with himself._

Ganondorf: Tracker, Tracker on the wall, I need to speak to you.

(Tracker is silent)

Ganondorf: I come to the realization that this is the thirteenth chapter. Do you know what this means? It means that this is going to be the unlucky chapter!

(Tracker does not reply)

Ganondorf: This means that something bad will happen to me, and I think I already know that it is. I come to realize why I always chase Link around, trying to stop him.

Tracker: You're gay.

Ganondorf: WHAT? No, I never said that….

Tracker: Look, pal, I've been your magic "servant" for a while now, and I tend to notice this stuff.

Ganondorf: Fine, I guess the truth is out! But I will no longer try to hide it! I simply cannot help it!

(Open's window and shouts outside)

Ganondorf: I LOVE MY SEXY PINK UNDERWEAR!

(Several monsters on the outside stop what they are doing to stare at their master in extreme horror)

Ganondorf: Crap. CURSE YOU, UNLUCKY CHAPTER!

**~Meanwhile, at the Ice Cavern~**

Link: I have absolutely no idea how I got here.

Navi: HEY! Stupid moron. Magically, of course.

Link: You know, this is supposed to be an unlucky chapter. So, this means a lot of bad things are going to happen to you.

Navi: LOOK! Why me? Why not you?

Link: Because I am the main character, that's why! How do you think I am still alive after I fought the undead, fell into scorching lava and crazy heights, and go days without sleeping, eating, or drinking? Magic?

Navi: HEY! But, Link…

Link: Never mind that, let's go!

_And so, Link and Navi go through the Ice Cavern. At one point, they come across a room where a giant ice blade is going around in around in a circle. _

Link: Ok, now I'm pissed.

Navi: HEY! Why?  
Link: Because this game is getting ridiculous! And I am surprised the author managed to write ridiculous properly, because the author sucks at spelling.

Navi: LOOK! You know, I have just realized we never used the author's gender when referring to the author. It's as if the author is purposely trying to conceal the gender that the author was born with, as if the author doesn't want anyone to know that the author is a boy or a girl.

Link: The author has a gender?

Navi: WATCH OUT! Hey, why is this getting stupid, again?

Link: Because this game takes place in a time where basic engineering exists, and we are staring at a giant blade made of frickin ice spinning around.

Navi: LOOK! You know, it's time for us to put that behind us, Link. You said that about the flying pots in the last room, and complain that the switch to melt red ice was almost too hard to see because it looked like a crystal, which all switches look like. And try to remember it's normal for a chest to appear out of nowhere because this is a MAGIC world!

Link: Really? Can I meet Harry Potter?

Navi: HEY! No, Link, there is no Harry Potter.

Link: Eragon?

Navi: LOOK! Grrr….

_After Link manages to get past the ice blade, he fights a ice wolfo, and kills it._

Link: That was pathetically sad. I thought this dungeon's boss would be much harder, or that an ice wolfo would be harder than a normal one, but it was practically the same!

Navi: HEY! Link, this isn't a dungeon.

Link: What? If this isn't a dungeon, then why make us go through it? Where is the real dungeon?

Sheik: In Lake Hylia.

Link: SHEIK! What are you doing here?

Sheik: Just like everything else in this game, I can appear out on nowhere because it's magic.

Link: If that's so, then why can't I use magic like Sora from Kingdom Hearts?

Sheik: Please, he runs around with f****** Disney characters, so the producers had to make up something to give him a chance to save the world. Beside, you can use magic, like Din's Fire, and Nayru's Love.

Link: I don't even get magic of Nayru's Love until the Spirit Temple, which is a downer because I really need that BEFORE I fight giant monsters. And if the dungeon is in Lake Hylia, then why the hell am I all the way on the other side of the country?

Sheik: Don't worry, with the song I am about to teach you, you can magically teleport to the lake! Just like that! Besides, you needed to get the Zora Tunic and the Iron Boots before you could even think about entering the dungeon.

Link: This is just like the time when I had to race the dead freak in his own grave! Except ghosts are more realistic than magic flying pots and giant blades made of ice and red ice.

Navi: HEY! Link, we don't have the Zora Tunic! We have to go back and get it!

Link: Relax!

**~Flashback~**

Link: Look at this! The Zora King is in red ice! How unlucky for the king!

Navi: (passed out because she has no more oxygen in the bottle)

Link: Maybe I needed air holes… But that's beside the point! I'll just get really close to the king and use this blue fire I spent 300 rupees on to melt the ice!

_Link opens the bottle, which somehow manages to contain fire without it going out or melting the bottle, and catches on fire in the process._

Link: GAAAAHHHH! HELP ME! I'M ON FIRE!

Zora King: (stretching) What…a…nice...long…nap…. Oh…it's….Link…. How…are…you? Thanks….for….freeing….me… Here….is….you're….award…

Link: SAVE ME!

**~End of Flashback~**

Navi: HEY! Oh.

Sheik: And now that you have required both items you need to save the lake, I present you with the magical song that will send you magically to the lake. It's magic!

_Sheik begins to strum the harp he has, but suddenly slipped on the ice and fell._

Sheik: OW! That hurt! Darn this bad luck! Ok, to try again.

(Get's up, but slips again and in the process breaks his harp)

Sheik: NOO!

Link: This could take a while.

Navi: HEY! Yeah, it could.

_After several hours, Link finds himself magically at Lake Hylia, which magically wasn't filling up with water even though it was magically raining right over the frickin lake. _

Link: We magically teleported here!

Navi: HEY! Yeah, we did, Link!

Link: But…if what Sheik said is true….

**~Flashback~**

Sheik: Now that I have taught you the song, I have two things to tell you. First, you will be meeting the Princess of the Zoras at the Temple.

Link: You mean Zelda.

Sheik: No, I don't.

Link: Come on! Zelda is the princess of the ENTIRE HYRULE! Why isn't SHE the princess?

Sheik: It's another girl who is the princess of the Zora's.

Link: I don't remember a princess.

Sheik: What?

Link: I mean, I remember Ruto, but she wasn't wearing a crown, nor clothing for that matter! She is not princess! A princess is nice, and does not force a boy to carrying around inside a GIANT FISH! I'm getting out of here.

Sheik: WAIT! Link, I have come to learn that Ganondorf is gay! Do you know what this means? This means the Three Idiot Trackers pick their holders based on their sexuality! Well, Ganondorf stole the Tracker Extreme Gayness, but still. I posses the Tracker of Indecisive Transvestite. And you posses the Tracker of Cross Dressing. And this does not mean I am gay! But you….

**~End of Flashback~**

Link: It's not true, it can't be true!

Navi: LOOK! I can already here the fan girls screaming…

Link: I am NOT gay! Sheik is! Ganondorf is! But. Not. Me!

Navi: HEY! I wouldn't doubt that, because you love girls too much. But… you DO cross dressing.

Link: For the last time, this is a TUNIC!

Navi: WATCH OUT! At least it's blue.

Link: Ok, time to put on these annoying boots and enter the water!

_Link puts them on._

Link: Yay for magic under water breathing tunics!

_Link magically opens the door to the Water Temple, and enters the hardest temple in the game. Which is weird, because this temple should be last because it IS so hard, but instead it's in the middle of the game!_

Link: Why are these boots so hard to use? I put them on by pressing start, I take them off by pressing start! Start, on, start, off! It's too hard.

Navi: LOOK! Blame the producers!

Link: Well, I haven't run into bad luck yet! I guess this unlucky stuff isn't magic!

(suddenly appearing out of nowhere)

Ruto: My love! You have returned to me! The magic of our love must have reunited us!

(Link screams)

Navi: LOOK! Hey, look, a rupee! Must be my lucky day!

* * *

**Thanks for reading, everyone! Ruto now makes her appearance! Poor Link, how unlucky!**

* * *

Impa: Thanks to the magic I posses, I was able to successfully and magically seal the evil in the shadow temple with a magic seal so that the only way he can escape is through magic! And when I magically use Deku Nuts that magically make a blinding flash of light so it looks like I magically vanished, people would think I am very magical!

Tingle: It's magic, I know…. I CAN'T BELIEVE IT'S NOT SO!


	14. Chapter 14

**Hey, Mindless minio... I mean, readers! I have taken note that I don't really go through the steps of this temple very well, but it is a hard temple to do, let alone write about. Anyway, enjoy this chapter!**

* * *

This chapter is brought to you by Crappy Authors Inc. where rejected authors from around the world put this s*** together for your own entertainment.

* * *

Link: I have decided that I am going to break the fourth wall!

Navi: HEY! What fourth wall? This is a fan fic, the fourth wall isn't even in the vocabulary.

Link: Yeah, but this fan fic is so bad it needs a little bit of spicing up! Besides, I need to communicate to my fan girls out there.

(Blows a kiss)

Link: That's for you, my lovely honey bunches!

Navi: LISTEN! My only consolation in this entire mess is that by the end of this story I will be leaving you, and you will be presented with a new fairy who is less annoying as me, but far ruder.

Link: Did you just break the fourth wall?

* * *

_This chapter begins with Link in the Water Temple. Ruto and Link talking, much to Link's dismay. _

Ruto: My love! We have finally united!

Link: This just sucks. Why is it taking so long for me to finish my adventure? If I had finished sooner, I may have been saved from this horror!

Ruto: You think I am happy about it? I had to wait thirteen chapters before I could FINALLY meet you again! It makes me so happy!

Link: Talking about chapters is breaking the fourth wall! I am the one who is suppose to break it!

Ruto: Didn't you hear? There is no fourth wall in this story, which means there is nothing to break, which means that you are a little late to the party. You and I will be married, and have children together forever and ever! Unless it turns out I am some sort of sage, then I am afraid our marriage will be ruined.

Link: You just love to listen to yourself talk, don't you?

Ruto: Who doesn't?

Link: True.

Ruto: Follow me, Link. Before we can get married, there is a horrible monster in this temple, which, according to the Manga of this game, is a monster that I can apparently talk to. He wishes to marry me instead, but I have no wish to!

Link: Really? Then, I wish you a happy marriage.

Ruto: But…!

Link: Well, Navi, it's time to go!

Navi: LOOK! Wait, Link, hold on, use your head!

Link: What are you talking about?

Navi: HEY! If we let Ruto breed with a sea monster that lives in a fresh water lake, there will be mutant Zora babies running around who will be exactly like Ruto… only ten times worse.

Link: Ruto, let's go kill the beast!

Ruto: Very well, follow me!

Navi: LOOK! Do the words "You're going to vanish and we will be lost" mean anything to either of you?

Ruto and Link: No.

Navi: HEY! I am surrounded by idiots.

Link: Yes. Yes you are.

_And thus, as you can imagine, Ruto mysteriously vanishes, which is SUCH a downer, because Link just simply LOVES Ruto. Navi and Link end up wandering the Water Temple for along time, trying to remember when to raise water levels and, for that freakin matter, WHERE!_

Link: I hate this temple, I hate this temple, I hate this temple, I hate this temple…

Navi: LOOK! It's not so bad.

Link: What is this temple even for? Most temples are used to be worshipped at! Like the Temple of Whatever Maannga called it (bonus point for anyone who can find out! I'm too lazy to go back and find it out myself.), Temple of Fire, I mean, it all made sense. But now we are in a freakin temple underwater, where only Ruto can be found, and to be honest she is the last thing I what to see.

Navi: HEY! Look at Mr. Negative! Well, Link, it's to give the fan girls a chance to see you fight your shadow self in a duel to the death. Girls love to see heroes fight their sexy alter self, apparently.

Link: The fiends!

Navi: WATCH OUT! First you like fan girls, then you hate them. Make up your mind, freak.

Link: Listen, I don't mind giving my sexy body to the ladies, but when woman take pleasure in seeing me with my sexy alter ego, they have taken a step to far.

Navi: HEY! Don't you also hate the fan fics about you hooked up with other male characters, or any other creepy characters? Like Ganondorf or that dog lady she-male thing from Castle Town?

Link: That dog person is female? And besides, there was a fan fic about that? I must sue!

Navi: LOOK! You didn't say anything about Ganondorf.

Link: I thought it would be implied that I would hate it.

Navi: LOOK! But you're talking to a fairy that repeats herself every other second she can, so assuming that I would understand your implying is making an ass of yourself.

Link: Look, I'm a cross dresser, not a gay hero!

Navi: HEY! …

_To get on with the temple, Link and Navi slowly make their way through the Water Temple, hoping to not make a mistake that would mess up the entire game so that they would totally have to start over from scratch…. Grrrr…. _

Link: Hey, Navi, look! A giant room filled with water and a sky, and a mysterious island with a tree in the center! A random door is behind it! I just hope that nothing will attack me in this obvious mini-boss room.

Navi: WATCH OUT! All right, Link, it's time to get the hookshot.

Link: Stop breaking the fourth wall without me!

Navi: WATCH OUT! All right, Link, it's time to get the hookshot.

(Suddenly, bars fall and lock Link in)

Link: GAH! We're stuck!

Dark Link: Yes, you are.

Link: Where did YOU come from! You couldn't have possibly been standing secretly behind that tree.

Dark Link: No, I wasn't because if I had been I would have killed you from behind. But no matter. It's time to settle a score with you.

Link: What do you want? I have no qualm with you!

Dark Link: Yes, you do. You see, I am your sexy alter ego, very similar to that of Yugi and Yami, whose real name is Atem, from Yu-Gi-Oh. Except I'm not a pedophile possessing your body.

Link: I'm an adult!

Dark: True, but inside you are a child, Hero of Missed Puberty! However, because I am suppose to be your polar opposite, you have done some serious damage to my appearance. I am very manly, as opposed to you, and wearing this dress makes me look like a cross dresser. This simply won't do. Also, it gives the fan girls a chance to see us duel.

Link: Hang on, are you telling me that while I oppose to letting the fans see me fight my sexy alter ego self in a "suggestive" duel, you agree?

Dark: Yes, and while you surrender yourself to the fan girls normally, I can't stand them. You see, we are different!

Link: So then, you must be gay! Because I am not!

Dark: Look away, fan girls, before that truth is exposed!

**WARNING: All conversation from this point on should not be viewed by fan girls, or else have your minds destroyed. **

Dark: Yes, Link, because you are not gay, this makes ME gay! And being as manly as I am, this hurts my inner self!

Link: And this means that the fan girls may not get the moe they wished for.

Dark: Do you know what moe even means?

Link: I am a ten year old in a seventeen year old body. What do you think?

Dark: Poor fan girls, they are missing out, but I will still kill you, because you cannot kill me. The only thing we share in common with each other is your fighting skills, which are exactly the same.

Link: That makes no sense.

Dark: Exactly.

Link: I have Din's Fire!

Dark: Please, for this fan fic, Maannga decided to write it out. Good luck, "hero."

_So, they engage in battle. Fan girls can look now. _

Dark: Having trouble, Link?

Link: Gah! (in his thoughts) He's too strong! I cannot defeat him. Damn, if my Triforce of Courage had any power like Zelda's piece or Ganondorf's piece, I could defeat him a second. Well, I'm not suppose to know I own this piece, but whatever. Or if this was an anime, a magic being would come from out of nowhere to give me some weird magic spell to win! What is something I have that he doesn't?

Dark: Getting tired? Nothing can save you now! Not the gods, not your princess. What are you going to do about it?

Link: I am going to reveal my facedown card! Behold, the Great Magical Beast of Annoyance, Navi the Fairy!

Dark: What? Since when is this Yu-Gi-Oh! Maannga….

Link: This monster allows me to attack you directly! MWAHAHAHAHA!

Navi: HEY! Dark Link, he's so mean to me! If you are his alter ego, then you must be nicer!

Dark: Heh, is that the best you got. She isn't that annoying at all!

Navi: HEY! Dark Link, he's so mean to me! If you are his alter ego, then you must be nicer!

Dark: Huh? Why did she repeat herself!

Link: Not only is she annoying when she says HEY! LOOK! LISTEN!, but she has the ability to repeat herself over and over again, driving you mad!

Dark: NO! This can't be! No one can withstand this torture!

Link: Except me! And now, be gone!

(Dark Link dies from the attack)

Link: Navi, that was probably the most impressive thing you have done this entire story! I am impressed!

Navi: HEY! Dark Link, he's so mean to me! If you are his alter ego, then you must be nicer!

Link: Ok, do that one more time and I will rip all your wings out.

_Link and Navi continue to the final stage. The room before the boss room. The impossible room of death._

Link: Why is this room so difficult. Honestly, I am going to lose all my hearts before I even get to the boss! This might was well be the boss.

Navi: LOOK! Watch out for those sharp blades! If you get hit by those, then you will end up sliding back down to the bottom of this room!

Link: Navi, I am aware of that, I already tried to climb this thing five times.

Navi: LOOK! Watch out for those sharp blades! If you get hit by those, then you will end up sliding back down to the bottom of this room!

Link: Navi, repeat yourself one more time, I dare you.

Navi: LOOK! Watch out for those….

* * *

**Thanks for reading, everyone! Look forward to the next chapter! I hope you guys had an easier time going through the Water Temple than when I went through for the first time… And I hope you didn't mess up when you had the Golden Scale and a bunch of other goodies that are hard to get…**

* * *

Ruto: I just realized that I don't appear in this chapter a lot. I wonder why…

Tingle: Don't worry, my dear, you will have another chance! Now, when seducing Link…

Dark Link: Maannga killed me off, but didn't destroy Ruto why?


	15. Chapter 15

**Hey, everyone. Before you start reading, note this warning. WARNING: Very nasty joke at the very end. It kind of is bad, but rated this T for a reason. It's the last two lines before the wrap up. Now, enjoy this chapter.**

* * *

Attention writers: You know you suck when you run out of jokes and start referring to other games than the one you are making fun of.

* * *

Samus: I have a dream. I want to be… a doctor!

(Everyone stares at her like she is crazy)

Samus: I want…

Peach: Samus, darling, not to be rude, but don't you think that's a little beyond your reach?

Samus: What?

Zelda: Honestly, dear, Peach is right. Being a doctor takes…. Well, you know…. The right stuff.

Samus: The right stuff? Are you suggesting that I don't have what it takes to be a doctor?

Peach: No, no, sweetie, that's NOT what we mean! We are just saying it might be difficult with a person with your… active lifestyle… to find the time to get a degree.

Samus: But I could quit, you know!

(Suddenly, walking in, Bowser, Ganondorf, and Solid Snake walk in)

Snake: Hey, what's up, girls?

Peach: Hi, Mr. Snake!

Zelda: Good evening.

Samus: Hey…

Bowser: What you girls talkin' about?

Zelda: Samus was just telling us her dream to be a doctor!

Ganondorf: A doctor?

Peach: Yeah, isn't swell?

Snake: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! You're kidding, right? Right? HAHAHAHAHAHA! Oh, that's rich!

Samus: What's so funny?

Snake: Please, Samus, the day you become a doctor is the day your butt will be firmer than mine! Now, why don't you strip off that armor and show us a little of that sexy body of yours?

Samus: (pulling out a giant gun) Why don't you say that one more time, bastard!

(Shoots Snake, and then into the air)

Samus: Anyone else thinks my dream is lame? ANYONE?

Peach, Zelda, Bowser, and Ganondorf: …no….

Samus: Good.

* * *

_This chapter begins with a flashback._

**~Flashback Beginning~**

Dark: You can't do anything because I know what you are going to do, but I can't do anything because you know what I am going to do. Strange, isn't it?

Link: You've been watching Sonic the Hedgehog Movie, haven't you?

**~End of Flashback~**

Link: I can't really understand why he gets so much attention when he only really appears in this game for ten minutes or less.

Navi: LOOK! It's that whole, "I'm your alter ego self" and those fan girls with their bizarre minds read that as "I am your shadow, and I am going to rape you."

Link: Fan girls are a species I will never understand, as long as I live.

~Meanwhile~

Nabooru: AAAA-CHOU! Someone's talking about me.

Ganondorf: Nabooru! Don't sneeze on me, or I'll catch what you have!

Nabooru: If you were Link and you got sick…. Squeal!

Ganondorf: Why don't you squeal when you think about me?

Nabooru: I know you squeal when you think of him! I also know that Dark Link was a messed up version of Link when you tried to recreat….

~Back to Link~

Link: AAAA-CHOU!

Navi: HEY! Bless you!

Link: Thanks. Now, where is the boss?

Navi: HEY! You mean the one hiding underwater?

Link: Yup, that one. I want a name, Navi.

Ruto: Hey, Link!

Link: Ruto! What are you doing here?

Ruto: I heard you were going to fight the evil monster, so I thought I'd help.

Link: So you're the evil monster. (Takes out sword.) So, for seven years you have been tricking me into thinking you were good, which backfired because I have always hated you!

Ruto: What? But I love you!

Link: Silence, creature of the deep! I shall kill you.

(Ruto screams and starts to run around in circles.)

Link: Come back here.

_Link chases Ruto around the room. Morpha and Navi sit quietly aside, watching._

Morpha: So, you think he's going to notice me?

Navi: Not a chance.

Morpha: Strange, but you speak without a HEY! Or something in the front of it.

Navi: Oh, I do that on purpose to annoy Link.

Morpha: I see. Popcorn?

Navi: Please.

_Link eventually catches up to Ruto, and kills her._

Link: I have defeated the great monster.

Morpha: Not so fast, Link. I am the true monster you seek here. Battle me, but can you battle someone who can manipulate water?

Link: So you're the monster! Alright, two in one!

Navi: HEY! Link, you just killed the Water Sage.

Link: Please, as if I need her.

Navi: LOOK! Well, yes, kind of…

Morpha: Stop bickering, pathetic mortals! Come and give me a hug!

Link: NOOOO! NEVER!

Morpha: A little thing like me needs affection.

Navi: HEY! Aw, he's cute! Look at his eyes.

(which aren't there)

Link: Yeah, a regular puss-in-boots, can we kill him now?

Navi: LOOK! Let's keep him!

Link: What! No way!

Navi: WATCH OUT! Please, a little blue fairy is asking you!

Link: No.

Navi: HEY! Should I repeat the word "fairy?"

Link: I said no, and that's final!

(Later)

Navi: HEY! Come on, Morpha, let's play!

Link: It…. Hurts….

Morpha: Yay!

(Suddenly, a strange crystal orb appears out of nowhere and takes Link to the Chamber of Sages.)

Link: Hey, I don't remember coming here for the Fire Medallion!

Navi: LOOK! Link, you were knocked out, remember?

Link: What?

**~Flashback~**

Darunia: Link, thank you for saving me, the Great Darunia, and my people!

Link: While you disappeared on me and got captured? Please, just give me my prize so I can leave this hell hole.

Darunia: But of course! Here, take it with you on your journey!

(A red medallion falls from the sky, and Link catches it)

Link: Phew, finally!

Darunia: Thank you again, brother!

(Hits Link on the back)

Link: GAH!

(Faints)

Darunia: Um…sorry…

**~End of Flashback~**

Link: Oh.

(Coming from the blue medallion in the ground)

Ruto: Link! My love!

Link: But… I killed you!

Ruto: True, but my spirit remains because my love for you is strong! And because you have adopted Morpha into your family, you have defeated him!

Link: Please, he will be dead in a week.

Ruto: I present you my medallion!

(A blue medallion falls from the sky into Link's hands)

Link: Yes! Two more to go!

Ruto: Because I am dead, I shall be reborn, like the Sage of Light, and I shall follow you wherever you go!

Link: No, this can't be!

Ruto: But it is! Soon, my love, soon!

Link: But sages can't marry!

Ruto: Screw that, I am a frickin Sage Princess, and I can do whatever I want. See you soon, sweetie!

(Link awakens outside on the island with a tree, outside the temple)

Link: I think I am going to barf.

Navi: HEY! Please don't. Hey, I know! Why don't you shoot an arrow into the sun right now? If you do, you will receive the legendary Fire Arrows!

Link: What an original name, and besides, how does shooting into the sun give me freakin fire arrows?

Navi: LOOK! Magic.

Link: I will kill someone, and I think I choose Morpha.

(Stops)

Link: Wait a minute, I just realized something. A strange memory from my childhood. Yes, Ruto reminded me of him! A character that has not yet made an appearance in this story! The evil owl… the greatest stalker of all time, and the more annoying than that of Navi. He lives in the past, and I just broke the fourth wall by remembering that I am going to have to go back in time to enter the next temple. This means…meeting him again.

Navi: LOOK! Oh yeah, him. This isn't good, Link. He is the reincarnation of the Sage of Light! Link, do you know what this means?

Link: Yes… he is going to make his appearance in this story. Perhaps those fire arrows will be of use.

(Takes out bow, and shoots into the sun)

Link: How long do we have to wait?

Navi: LOOK! I don't know, perhaps a while…

Link: It's ok, I've got time.

Morpha: Hey, look, the water level is back to normal!

Link: Shut up, Morphy, or you will go extinct like the rest of the monsters I defeated.

~Meanwhile, at Ganon's Tower (cue theme song)~

Ganondorf: Ah, how I love the name of my castle, even though my name is not Ganon until I transform into a giant evil pig thing.

Nabooru: I wouldn't classify this tower as a castle, sire.

Ganondorf: Shut up, mindless minion!

Nabooru: I'm hardly mindless.

Ganondorf: But if you were, that's what I would call you.

Nabooru: You know, sire, I have been wondering something since the day you decided to take over Hyrule. Why did you want to become king of the world, even though that at birth you were already an ultra powerful king surrounded by beautiful women. I know you only ruled the desert, but honestly ruling the world isn't really original, is it? I mean, look at practically every villain imaginable! 4kids, Vaati, the white witch…

Ganondorf: Come on, it's not like I can do much! Besides, I am doing it through different means!

Nabooru: Yeah, like what?

Ganondorf: ….

(moment of thought)

Ganondorf: I am using magic!

Nabooru: May I repeat White Witch?

Ganondorf: And sexy pink underwear!

Nabooru: Yup, you basically have that one over every villain out there.

~Back to Link~

Link: I simply love how we can waste three days like we just did and Ganondorf won't do a thing.

Navi: LOOK! Are we wasting time to avoid the owl?

Link: Pretty much.

Navi: HEY! Want to do a side quest before we go back, because we know Ganondorf won't do anything worse to Hyrule?

Link: Sure, sounds good to me! And since I finally managed to get my fire arrows, let's go! I shall call Epona!

(Calls Epona magically on Ocarina, which brings up the question how a puny instrument can call a horse from miles away. Magic, I guess.)

Epona: (In her thoughts) Little does he know that the real Epona is no longer in this world, and that it is I, the Princess Ruto, who has been reborn as a horse who looks exactly like Epona!

Link: I simply love my horse! I could ride her all day!

Ruto: Perfect.

* * *

**I hope nobody found that joke terrible... or insulting.**

* * *

Impa: I guess this means I will be making an appearance soon. Because for some reason, I couldn't save my village from being attacked and burned from Bongo Bongo's attack, which did practically no harm to the town.

Twilight Princess Link: Maannga, I hope this means that my horse isn't some descendent of Ruto, because that would just be wrong. I guess this would mean she happened to breed. Too bad I can't travel through time to stop it.

Navi: LOOK! Actually, I'm surprised you even made such a horrible joke at the end, Maannga.

Maannga: In my defense, I didn't plan it, just as I didn't plan most of this story to begin with. The chance was just too perfect.


	16. Chapter 16

**Ahoy there, Maties! Has anyone seen the new Pirate movie yet? Me neither, but planning on it! Anyways, enjoy!**

* * *

Tingle: Finally, I have almost succeeded in my ultra evil plot.

Link: And what's that?

Tingle: I have a very special ability that allows me to float around in a giant red balloon, which not only allows me to fly, but also fly to the magical world of Oz. From there, I can make my way to Kansas by tapping my feet together with my red shoes, and wishing I was home. Finally, by taking the taxi, I made it all the way to the author's home, and did something unthinkable.

Link: And what's that?

Tingle: Behold! I have injured the author's thumb!

Link: What's the big deal?

Tingle: Link, the author happens to use the right hand more than the left, and I have injured the right hand. Underneath the nail, I have ripped it up a little bit, making it very painful for the author to type this story! MWAHAHAHA!

Link: No! Then, who is writing this now?

Tingle: The author's sibling, who is typing everything the author says. However, I happen to control this sibling, and now the chapter shall be under my power! Behold, personality switch!

Link: NOOOOOOOO!

* * *

_This chapter begins with Link going under way to get the Biggoron Sword._

Link: (in a high pitched voice) Oh my goodness, my pretty sword! It's so shiny! I want another one!

Navi: Why don't you take out the useless Giant's Sword that you bought and broke? This way, you can get yourself killed in battle oh my goodness did I just say that out loud? You didn't hear a thing.

Link: What's that? Sorry, I wasn't listening, my sword was just too shiny to pay any attention to you.

Navi: If you were to compare the sword to me, I would win! Look how I glow! I am practically the shiniest thing since shine.

Link: OMG, I like, totally want to get this sword fixed, like right now!

Navi: Why not? Maybe you will get killed in the process crap me and my big mouth. You are deaf to my words, Link.

Link: Sorry, I still wasn't listening to you.

Navi: Gooooood.

_And so, Link and Navi find the first step of this long and pretty awesome process: the Cucco Egg._

Chicken Lady: Please take good care of my egg, which for some reason doesn't give me hives, because it's somehow a different species than that of regular chickens because it's smaller.

Link: That makes total sense.

Navi: LOOK! What happened? Why are we back to our normal selves?

Link: It's pretty obvious, Navi. Maannga is going on a full battle with change. I think Maannga is tired of our personalities, and even though really did hurt the right thumb, wants to experiment.

Navi: LOOK! How do you know something that I don't?

Link: Simple. I am the main character. It gives me an advantage.

Navi: HEY! But I'm the sidekick who guides you to victory! If anything, I should be the main character!

Link: Trust me, if I wasn't around then you wouldn't have a reason to exist. However, I prove later in life that I can survive quite well without you.

Navi: LOOK! Yeah, you go on a quest through the woods to find me, and later fall down a hole into a different world and get turned into the most pathetic creature on earth. Well done.

Link: I still lived, but I was talking about the fight with Ganondorf. You know, when you suddenly abandoned me before the duel?

Navi: LOOK! Look, that happens after three more temples and such, so let's wait forget that that's suppose to happen and get on with this quest.

Link: Sounds good to me!

_Later, Link hatches the egg!_

Link: OMG, it's so cute.

Navi: Of course it is, it's a chicken. Chickens were made to be cute. But, compared to me, it's nothing. Look at me. I'm the cutest thing since cute.

Link: But I thought I was cute!

Navi: I am freakin fairy, for crying out loud. That gives me bonus points. But we have something to do with this chicken. There is a man sleeping in that house over there, the lazy bum Talon, who is vulnerable to murder ok you still didn't hear that.

Link: Sorry, I was too busy looking at my cute chicken to hear that.

Navi: Yes, just keep looking at the cute chicken, Link. Just keep looking.

Link: Can we use him on something?

Navi: Try the lazy bum behind door number one.

Link: Ok!

(Link goes inside, and finds Talon)

Link: OMG! An ugly man sleeping in a seducing pose, and he is surrounded by ugly women with what look like beards on their faces! Totally gross!

Navi: Yes, that's right. This room is the ugliest room in the entire game. Why don't you awaken that fool with the chicken? Go on, stupid, get to it.

Link: Ok!

(Link awakens Talon)

Talon: HUH? What? Can't a man get any sleep around here.

Navi: Hee hee. Now that that fool is awake, I have spoiled his dreams err I mean good morning, sleepy head!

Link: Gee, now what?

Navi: I guess the chicken somehow knows that he was awaken a lazy bum, so let's return it to the chicken lady.

Link: She's so pretty with her red hair. I am so jealous.

Navi: Link, she has no soul, like all the other red heads in the world.

Link: OMG! You like, totally pissed off readers with that comment.

Navi: Yes. Yes I did.

I apologize if I have insulted anyone with red hair. If it makes you feel any better, blondes have it pretty bad, too.

Link: I like, totally love how people are automatically judged based on their hair color.

Navi: Come on, let's go get the prize from the chicken lady so that you have to go to the Lost Woods, where I will abandoned you so that you will be lost forever and become a Skull Kid err I mean I bet the chicken lady has something nice for you for helping her.

Link: Sorry, I can't hear you over the fluttering of your wings.

Navi: That's fine, I said nothing important.

Lady: Yes, in fact I do have something for you, Link!

Link: This seems, like, totally familiar…

**~Flashback~**

Lady: Link, thanks for catching all my chickens!

Link: How do you know my name? I never even told you!

Lady: A little creepy owl told me. But no matter. Take this bottle as your prize.

Link: It's empty.

Lady: Excuse me?

Link: When I won that game at Lon Lon Ranch, I got a bottle with milk. You gave me an empty bottle, and I helped you pick up a bunch of chickens.

Lady: Yes, but every time you help me from now on, I'll give you fifty rupees.

Link: Fifty? Dude, nobody in this game rolls around in that kind of cash in this tiny village!

Lady: Oh…. Well, let's just say that I "pick" it up on occasion…

Link: By the way, if you are allergic to chickens, then why keep them?

Lady: Nobody asked you, you little…

**~End of Flashback~**

Link: And that's where I learned that word from!

Lady: Take this blue chicken, known as Cojiro, as your prize!

Link: Like, totally wait a minute. You are giving me a stupid blue chicken for making another chicken happy? What is this? Where is my fifty rupees?

Lady: Sorry, kiddo~ I don't own that kind of chicken anymore! Deals off!

Navi: Holy cow! That chicken is bluer than me, and I thought I was the bluest thing since blue!

Link: Ok, now Nintendo was really f***** up colors now. First Saria's hair, then Zelda's eyebrows, and now this? Like, totally out of hand.

Lady: Oh, and by the way, if you happen to see a creepy guy hanging around who looks half-dead and a monster, that guy in my brother.

Link: What, do you mean that guy who would hang out by the tree at night?

**~Flashback~**

Link: Navi, I'm tired, let's find a place to stay for the night.

Navi: HEY! Link, you're a hero, you don't have time to sleep.

Link: Come on, I have to sleep at some point. When people put their game on pause, what do you think I am doing?

Creepy Man: Hey, man. Wanna buy a…

Link: KYAAAAAAAAAAAAA! A MONSTER!

**~End of Flashback~**

Lady: I would appreciate it if you could find him for me!

Link: Well, like, I guess so.

Navi: Sure, and when we find him we will leave in him the forest so he will be lost forever I mean of course we will help your brother, girly!

Link: Did you say something, Navi?

Navi: I don't recall. To the woods!

_And so, Link and Navi make their way back to the forest, and find the creepy man._

Link: KYAAAAAAAAA! A MONSTER!

Man: Huh? Oh, I'm awake.

Link: Wait, I didn't have to wake you up with my chicken?

Man: No.

Link: Oh.

Navi: HEY! Link, we have our normal personalities back!

Link: We have personalities?

Man: I want my chicken back, and I won't take no for an answer.

Link: Only if you give me something in return?

Man: Sure, I'll give you hundred rupees.

Link: Geez, your family is rolling in cash. Deal!

Man: Here you go, kid.

Link: An odd mushroom? What the hell is this? I doubt I can even eat it, let alone sell it! You promised me…

Man: Boo.

Link: KYAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!

_And so, Link and Navi left the woods, traveling back to Kakariko Village to give the mushroom to the nice lady behind the counter._

Link: Like, we can finally get back here in this corner without using some highly improbable means? Like, totally unfair.

Navi: Oh, quit you're bi*****, and grow up.

Link: I learned that word from chicken lady!

Navi: Never mind, go inside that building that has been locked for seven years to meet the creepy lady inside. And of course, she comes useless later in the game. Does anyone actually go back to see her?

(I'm guilty. I sure don't… . ) Link: Ok, why not?

_Upon entering the building…._

Link: Umm… anyone here?

Hag: Yes, I'm here.

Link: Hello, anyone?

Hag: I'm right here, stupid.

Link: Hello?

Hag: OVER HERE!

Link: Hey, look, a talking baby tiger! Hello, talking baby tiger!

Navi: HEY! You're not the least bit concerned that there is a freakin tiger in the room with you?

Link: Nope, I've seen weirder.

Navi: LOOK! You said it.

Hag: Hmmm…. Seeing that you are an ignorant fool, I might as well go along with it. I have two great abilities. One is I can smell that odd mushroom on you.

Link: No way! What an amazing cat!

Hag: Give it to me, and I will make a potion for the foolish person back in the forest.

Link: What's your second ability?

Hag: To break to fourth wall. I can predict that Maannga is going to end this chapter right after I finish speaking, so I am going to have to give you the potion I make from this mushroom later.

* * *

**Once again, thanks for reading! I honestly hope I didn't offend anyone with the red hair joke thing…**

* * *

Baby Tiger: This woman keeps rubbing my fur the wrong way, and it makes my skin itch.

Maannga: Then why don't you do something about it?

Tiger: Are you kidding? She's the scariest person ever!

Navi: HEY! What happened to Morpha?

Link: (Pointing at the Chicken lady) You killed Morpha!

Navi: LOOK! You bastard!


	17. Chapter 17

**Hey everyone. Guess what? I'M NOT DEAD! Ok, with that said, let the story continue!**

* * *

Link: I don't believe in fairies, I don't believe in fairies, I don't believe in fairies…

Navi: HEY! Link, what are you doing?

Link: You know in Peter Pan, when Jane said she didn't believe in fairies?

Navi: HEY! Yeah, so?

Link: I wanted to see if it worked, that's all! So… feel any different?

* * *

_This chapter begins with Link and Navi going back through time. Although they seriously wanted to continue their side quest, they decided that time could wait, and they needed to do something productive. _

Link: So, all I have to do is put my sword into the Pedestal of Blandness and BAM! I go back in time?

Navi: HEY! Pretty much.

Link: Hold on, so I could have been going back through time this entire time?

Navi: HEY! Yup!

Link: Damn it all….

_And so, Link puts the Master Sword back to where it belongs. Suddenly light surrounds him and he finds himself lifting in the sky, and going back through time._

Link: Navi! I'm back to my cute self again!

Navi: LOOK! Come on, let's go to the Kakariko Village to go under the well!

Link: What well?

Navi: LOOK! You know, the creepy one.

Link: Nope, sorry, I don't recall!

Navi: HEY! Link, come on, don't you remember?

**~Flashback~**

_Link and Navi travel to Kakariko Village, seven years in the future. Link and Navi see that it is on fire._

Link: Burn! Yes, that's it, BURN! MWAHAHAHAHAHA!

Navi: LOOK! Over, there, it's Sheik!

Link: Sheik! What are you doing?

Sheik: Shhh. There is a monster that is going to come out of the well.

Link: Hold on, the town is burning, and you know that a monster is going to come out of the well, and you still are going to stand around and let it attack?

Sheik: It's apart of my script. I can't do anything about that.

Link: What were the producers thinking?

**~At the Nintendo Company~**

Producer: Alright folks, we need something dramatic to happen to get Link's attention! Ok, what should we do?

Fred: I was thinking we should have a monster return from the deep well that Impa sealed off years ago. Then, Sheik and Link should have to fight together to defeat him!

George: Nah, I was thinking more along the lines of having Link going back into time and defeating the boss then!

Producer: I know! Why don't we have Sheik just stand there, mysteriously, and wait for the monster to knock him out!

Fred: But… that doesn't make much sense, as Sheik can use magic.

Producer: Don't worry, no one will know! Besides, he is standing there mysteriously.

**~Back to Hyrule~**

Link: Ah, the producer…

Sheik: Anyway, cross dresser, you're not doing much either. You're just standing there watching me standing here!

_Suddenly, a shadow comes out of the well, knocking over the wood above. Sheik is attacked. Link tries to "heroically" stop him, before getting knocked out himself._

Link: (Before passing out) Don't put heroically in quotations!

Navi: WATCH OUT! Link, watch out! A giant monster came out of the well!

_Later…_

Sheik: Link….wake up, Link…

Link: No, mommy, I didn't pee my be… oh, it's you.

Sheik: Oh, still have dreams about your mommy?

Link: Shut up and tell me what happened!

Sheik: Fine. A cursed creature from the deep has come has been released from the seal that Impa put on it.

Link: Wait, are you telling me that the monster from the well just so happened to become free just as I walked into the village?

Navi: HEY! The Producer really thought this out, didn't he?

Sheik: Hero of Missed Puberty, help us kill the monster! I will teach you this song in order for you to teleport to the Shadow Temple…

Link: Oh, that's real nice, isn't it.

Sheik: Huh?

Link: Of course, I learn this stupid song when it is pointless, because I still have to go into the well, right?

Sheik: Well, yeah…

Navi: LOOK! Just learn the song, I will…

(A few minutes later)

Navi: LOOK! HEY! LISTEN! Now, learn the song.

Link: my ears…are bleeding….

Sheik: I'm glad I brought earplugs! Now, here is the Nocturn of Shadow! Learn it well!

Link: Gee, thanks…

**~End of Flashback~**

Link: I get no respect around here…

Navi: LOOK! Come on, Link, use the song to teleport to the Shadow Temple!

Link: No way! We have NO idea where it is! We might end up miles away from the village! Let's go and get into the well, THEN I will play the song!

Navi: HEY! But…

Link: We are walking!

_And so, Link and Navi walked to Kakariko Village from Castle Town, not knowing that they could have teleported. Heh heh heh._

Link: Someone is mocking me.

~Meanwhile, back in the future at Ganondorf's Tower (cue theme song)~

Ganondorf: That's odd.

Nabooru: What is it, my lord?

Ganondorf: Link isn't here in this time anymore!

Nabooru: This means that your enemy is gone? This is the perfect time for you to take over the world!

Ganondorf: Nah. Are you kidding? Why on earth would I want to do that? That would be crazy, taking over the world when there is no one trying to stop me. I'll just send my shadow beast known as Bongo Bongo back to the Shadow Temple. Bongo Bongo!

Bongo: Yeeeeessssss?

Ganondorf: Like him, servant? I got him from that nice man from around the corner… what's his name... Tingle, was it? Now, Bongo Bongo, go and kill Link!

Bongo: Bongo go kill, Bongo go kill.

(Bongo Bongo leaves)

Ganondorf: I want my bubble bath so I am nice and clean when Link comes back! Are the bubbles pink?

Nabooru: Of course, just like chapter 2.

Ganondorf: Perfect.

(Ganondorf and Nabooru leave the room.)

Tracker: Idiot has left the room.

~Back to Link~

Link: We are here!

Navi: HEY! Finally…

Link: Ok, let's go into the well!

Navi: LOOK! Wait, Link, there may be….

(They reach the well and look into it.)

Navi: HEY! …water.

Link: I DON'T GET IT AT ALL! Why on earth is there water in this well?

Navi: WATCH OUT! Maybe because it's a well?

Link: It's not fair!

Navi: HEY! I remembered something! Remember the creepy man in the future? He got mad at a child for playing the Song of Storms on his ocarina in front of him, which made the well dry up!

Link: That can't possibly be me, because I would remember it! I didn't dry up the well! Besides, who's bright idea was it for the well to dry up for a freakin SONG THAT MAKES IT RAIN?

**~At the Nintendo Company~**

Producer: Gentlemen, as it would appear we need a way for the well to dry up.

Fred: You know, we could make it that Link gets the Eye of Truth in the Shadow Temple! That way, he doesn't have to go through all that nonsense!

Producer: No! He must get the Hover Boots!

George: But, he only floats for two seconds, barely worth mentioning!

Producer: Please, no one would care.

(Dear Nintendo, we the public would like to inform you that the Hover Boots, as cool as they may sound, are useless in the end. Make them float longer than two seconds, and we will be satisfied. Signed, the entire world.)

**~Back to Link~**

Link: So, should I give it a try?

Navi: LOOK! That is what I have been telling you!

Link: Navi, since when does anyone listen to you, unless it is to get you to shut up? Now, I guess I should go inside the windmill, because you said something about the man in there.

Navi: HEY! Sure, why not, Link?

_And so, they go inside to see the man with the music box._

Link: That is one large music box.

Man: You have a problem with my music box?

Link: No, but isn't that song the Song of Storms? I don't really understand why you are playing it and it's not raining!

Man: This isn't a magic box!

Link: Navi, what is going on? It's like a time paradox! He is the one who taught me the song in the future because he claimed a boy taught it to him in the past, and then here he is playing it.

Navi: LOOK! I think you are confused…. Did he already know it?

Man: Ok, play it with me!

_So, Link played it with the man, who is called Guru-Guru, but that name is so stupid it was voted that it shall not be put into the script, because who besides us Zelda nerds knows his name? The merry-go-round thing started to go faster and faster. _

Man: It's going round and round… it's going to fast!

Navi: LOOK! Ok, Link, the well should be empty now! Let's go now!

Link: (on the merry-go-round thing) WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

(For the next few hours, he did not get off.)

* * *

**Hello readers! Sorry for not updating in so long! I simply couldn't get myself to write! Anyway, I have a lot of good ideas to add to future chapters… lots of good ideas… heh heh heh.**

* * *

Link: BACK TO THE FUTURE!

Navi: LOOK! If only we had a cool car to go with it, it would be perfect.

Tingle: Burn, baby, burn. DISCO INFERNO!

Man: Does NOBODY CARE WHAT I THINK?


End file.
